15 Weeks- Farewell 2013!

So Sophie and Emily have had am amazing first Christmas. They have been doted on by their extended family, joined in the singing at their first carol service, met a handsome rainbow baby called Benjamin and are just starting to laugh!

Emily and Sophie's Christmas Bears!

Today is the last day of 2013 and I can honestly say it has been the happiest but most stressful year of my life. At the start of January last year we scattered Matthew and Oliver's ashes at the beach on what would have been their birthday and I just can't believe how far we have come.

I would quite like 2014 to be a quieter year. We allready have some plans, our first family holiday and Sophie and Emily's Great-Grandad's Wedding (not many little girls get to go to one of those!) among other things. But, on the whole I feel that some quality family down time would be fab!

I'll allways carry the memories of my gorgeous boys with me and in a way the passing of another year makes them feel further away. However, I'm  feeling quite positive about 2014.. bring it on!

12 Weeks Old- Feeling a Little Bit Festive!

So our girls are now 12 weeks old, they weigh almost 9lb and are going to their first Christmas parties this week! They are happy, smiley babies most of the time who love going to baby massage and seeing their friends at twin's club. They also enjoy looking at their mother like she's a loon at buggy fit! On top of all this excitement, this weekend they went on their first little holiday to the very rainy Lake District.

We have also made hilarious Christmas cards with photos of them in fancy dress on the front. I've allways had a policy of not putting actual, proper pictures of the girls on my blog so you'll just have to believe me when I say how brilliant they are!

Last Christmas I was not in a festive mood in any way shape or form. I just wanted the whole holiday season not to happen but this year I am looking forward to celebrating it as our little family. We have brought Emily and Sophie's gifts, made their stockings and, although I know they won't remember it, I am really looking forward to opening their presents with them on Christmas morning.

Sophie and Emily's Stockings!

However, This should be Oliver and Matthew's first Christmas too. They were due to be born in January 2013, so this Christmas we will hang their special baubles on our tree to remember them.

Oliver and Matthew's Baubles on our tree last year.

A few weeks ago we went to the RVI baby memorial service which is held at the start of December every year. It was very moving and sadly very full. Dr Smith, the consultant who stitched Emily and Sophie in, read a reading from Winnie the Pooh which chokes me up every time I hear it as it is so true.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne

So on Christmas Day this year, I'll be thinking of all 4 of my amazing children!

2 Months Old- Happy World Prematurity Day

Today Emily and Sophie are 2 months old. They have had a lovely day meeting their Great Grandad for the first time and already have more Christmas party invites than their Mummy!

Rather aptly (seeing as it is their 2 month birthday but it should only be their 1st), today is also World Prematurity Day. Today is a day for raising awareness of premature birth and promoting research and treatment especially in the developing world.

Now as a mother to 4 premature babies this is really important to me. Oliver and Matthew were born at 24 weeks and 3 days gestation, right at the limits of viability. 4 days earlier they could have been legally aborted and 4 days earlier the doctors wouldn't have had to intervene when they were born. However, Oliver and Matthew did have a chance of survival. They were lucky enough to be born in a hospital in the developed world and taken straight to a state of the art neonatal unit where everyone did their best to save them. There are many parts of the world where they simply wouldn't have been given the chance.

Emily and Sophie are at the other end of the spectrum for premature babies. Prematurity is defined as birth before 37 weeks gestation and they were born at 36 weeks and 2 days. They didn't need SCBU but they did need a helping hand to start feeding and to keep warm. They also had the benefit of antenatal cortesoids to help their lungs develop before they were even born. Again, if we lived elsewhere, whilst I'm sure they would have been OK, they may well not be the healthy little girls they are now.

Also, there are so many things that could have happened with the girls. At 23 weeks, when I had my stitch put in, I was told that if I didn't have the procedure, we had a 50 percent chance of them arriving before 25 weeks. There is no doubt in my mind that Emily and Sophie have had the start in life that they have due to fabulous medical care and scientific research, something that not all babies have the benefits of.

Through both my pregnancies I have met many other mums of premmies with babies who were born at anything from 25 weeks to 35 weeks gestation. Most of them have their babies home with them, but I'm pretty sure that every single one of them would tell you that their journey hasn't been easy and many of their children will have health issues related to their prematurity for years to come.

So today let us spare a second to think of all the little ones who are born too soon. Both those who sadly don't make it and the little fighters who do!

8 Weeks Old- All The Things We Never Did

My girls have had another exciting week of firsts. They have started wearing proper clothes and met lots of other twins at twins club (great, but slightly surreal experience felt like I had some sort of visual problem!)
They have also been to the seaside for the first time, which unfortunately for them given their Devonian heritage, happened to be chilly Tynemouth in November! However, they went for lunch in a very trendy bistro to warm up.


I love doing things with Emily and Sophie, we are starting baby massage on Wednesday and we try and do a family day out every week. However, on occasion, it is tinged with the sadness of "what ifs"

I would have loved to have taken my boys to see the sea, Matthew never even went outside.

I would have loved to take them out to meet other babies, show them off and dress them in funky clothes.

We would have all had a great time together and It is just such a shame that we never got to.

Brrrr Tynemouth Beach!

6 Weeks Old- The Ripple Effect

Emily and Sophie are almost 7 weeks old, weigh about 7lb, have grown out of their first set of clothes and are just starting to smile! They are fantastic and are real little miracles.

Funky Bootees- Thanks Swain-Cruz Family and lovely cuddly blanket knitted by Great Granny.

Today I wanted to post about something that had never really occurred to me before. We had a fabulous Sunday lunch today with both my family and Chris' (who are up visiting). Sophie and Emily were surrounded by 2 sets of grandparents, a great granny, great aunt, 2 uncles, an aunty and "Big Cousin Aidan" We had a lovely time (especially now that I can have "pink" roast beef and a glass of wine!) and it got me thinking about something a friend mentioned a few weeks previously.

I met my friend and her identical twin boys for coffee the other week (if you get lots of attention going out with one set of identical twins imagine going out with 2!) She was also a semi permenant resident of Ward 34 and ended up having her boys a little early. We talked a lot about how our little ones were doing but then the talk turned to our respective traumatic pregnancies.

One of the things that we had both realised after our babies arrived safe and well was how people had been worried about us! It had never occurred to me (or her..and her condition was a lot more dangerous than mine) that anything would happen to us, it was all about the babies! I wasn't put off at all by the scary consent forms I had to sign and by the end of my pregnancy with Emily and Sophie I had had so much intervention (injections, internals, scans, drugs, examinations etc, etc that I would have let the hospital staff do absolutely anything to me to make sure that they arrived safely. When I got home I asked Chris if he had worried about me- the answer was "Of Course" but this had genuinly never crossed my mind!

All 4 of mine and Chris' children have been fortunate enough to have a very supportive extended family so here is a HUGE thank you from us for their support in helping us bring Emily and Sophie in to the world and a big sorry for all the worry.. hope we haven't created too many grey hairs!!!

15th October- Wave of Light 2013

On International Baby Loss Awareness day, bereaved parents all over the world are encouraged to light candles to remember their little ones and others gone to soon.

Every day, in the UK alone, 17 babies are still born or die in the first 28 days of life. That means since we lost Oliver and Matthew, over 6000 other families have been through a similar pain.

Tonight candles will be burning brightly between 7-8pm (local time zones) all across the world. I'll be joining in and lighting candles, not only to remember my boys but also to remember all the other babies lost through still birth and neonatal death.

Remembering Matthew and Oliver and others whose parents miss them tons. Especially;

George & Grace , Thomas & Jessica, Ella and all the Newcastle Sands babies, Sam, May & Marianne, Chloe and Vinnie whose Mum's are all good friends of mine. Also, Harriet & Felicity and all the TAMBA BSG babies, all the Babycentre PAIL babies and not forgetting a final mention to a fellow bloggers little boys Gabriele, Santino, Benedetto and Vincenzo.

And all of the other little stars who never got the chance to show how brightly they could shine!

14th October- A Whole Year

For our boys, who on this day last year, left this world as they came in to it. Together.

Us Two

(A poem we had read out at Matthew and Oliver's cremation and will no doubt read to their sisters when they are bigger.)

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh.
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."
"Just what I think myself," said Pooh.
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what it is," said Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the river and found a few-
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what they are," said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two,
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh.

A.A Milne

Oliver Thomas Broomhall and Matthew Daniel Broomhall

8th October 2012-14th October 2012

13th October- Sophie and Emily's "Nearly Birthday"!

Today is my origional due date for Beanie 1 and Beanie 2, AKA Emily and Sophie. In reality though, it is fair to say that I never expected them to arrive anywhere near this date, especially after we found out that there was 2 of them! It is though, the date I had to reel off to health professionals throughout my pregnancy whilst thinking "yeah right, if they come any time after the end of July then that will be a start!"

It is also going to be an other emotional few days. Monday marks a year since Matthew and Oliver died and Tuesday is the very well timed International Baby Loss Awareness day.

I just thought to mark our girls' "Nearly Birthday, that I'd write a short post (before they wake up and want feeding) about a few things that I have noticed since they were born.

Firstly, people are always telling me how tiny they are... Now, Emily and Sophie are a bit petite, currently around the 6lb mark. However, when they were born at 36w, their weight was bang on the 50th percentile and slightly higher than the average weight for twins. Because my boys were so tiny. I think of the girls as being, if not huge, at least normal baby size. Here, to illustrate this point are a hat and nappy belonging to Emily and a hat and nappy belonging to Oliver (both twin 1 just to make it fair!)

It is worth mentioning that this nappy was MASSIVE on Oliver's little bottom!

 

 

Secondly, as we have managed to get out and about with the girls, it has become apparent how much attention twins get. A bit of me feels thrilled, what mother doesn't want tons of random strangers telling her how wonderful her babies are? However another bit of me feels really sad. Matthew and Oliver never got all that attention, they totally missed out on it and they were wonderful too!

On a similar theme someone in a shop said an absolute cracker to me the other day;

"Are they twins?"

Er no.. I just wandered around with a double pram until I found a baby that looked identical to my own and popped them in!!!

To finish on a happy note, On Tuesday we took our little ladies to twins clinic to drop off some cake and thank the staff who looked after all of us throughout my traumatic pregnancy. I was totally taken a back by ho many people from the sonographers and health care assistants to the midwives and consultants, who came over to tell us how happy they were for us all. I was really touched and felt honored to have had such a fab team supporting me and my family. People knock the NHS but I have no complaints at all about our care from the RVI... except possibly the slightly questionable food!!!

8th October- Happy Birthday Oliver and Matthew.

A message to our boys on their first birthday..

Dear Matthew and Oliver,

Today you would have turned 1. If you were here, I'm sure that we would have had a really fun day with all your family. I would have made you each a cake (as soon as we found out that there were 2 of you we had decided that you shouldn't have to share a birthday cake!) We would have also had a little party and you would have had loads of pressies. I often wonder what you would be like now, what we would have brought you for your birthday, what you would be doing and little things like what colour your eyes would be.

But you aren't here, because you will always be 6 days old. However, that doesn't mean that we can't still have a special day for you. Me, Daddy and your Sisters are going to go in to town and see your special butterfly on the wall at the museum. After that we are going to plant a lovely tree we have brought for the garden. It is a Japanese Maple and the leaves go bright red every autumn. This means that it will look fabulous on your birthday every year. It also has a colourful sign so that everyone can see that it is in memory of two special boys.

We have also got a little present for your sisters. It is a book all about you so that they can grow up knowing all about their big brothers. They are a bit too small to understand it at the moment but I'm sure that they will love it when they are a bit bigger.



Me and your Dad still miss you both terribly and Emily and Sophie, your little sisters would have loved to have met you. But we will try and make your birthday as happy as we can, a wonderful celebration of the two of you!

News Flash: Welcome To The World Emily and Sophie!

Our beautiful daughters Emily India and Sophie Marie arrived last Tuesday (17th) at 36w+2 weighing 5lb9 oz and 5lb10 oz! My section was booked for Thursday the 19th, as they were MCDA they had to be delivered between 36 and 37 weeks, but I went in to very slow labour over the weekend (contractions every 6 mins Fri-Mon with very little progression ...lovely!). So, when a space became available on the elective section list 2 days early, they slotted me in then.

Both girls were born screaming, needed no help breathing and just needed to be on a heat pad for a few hours after they were born. They didn't need to go to SCBU, but we stayed on Ward 33 at the RVI which is a transition ward, for 5 days as they need a bit of encouragement feeding. Other than that they are petite but fine and we came home yesterday.

I am so happy and relieved that they are here but at the same time wish their brothers were too... bit of an emotional roller coaster really. It was very surreal leaving hospital yesterday as it is just under a year ago that we did the same drive under very different circumstances.

Updates to follow ... I currently have 2 babies mouthing at me!

Teeny tiny feet!

35+1 Shameless Great North Run Plug!

Well the stitch is out (not quite the quick pain free snip that it had been sold to me as but never mind!) and I'm off the experimental premature labour drugs. Now it's basically a case of just sitting around, eating dairy milk, drinking tea and waiting for them to appear!

Just a reminder, either Chris or Ben, my little brother, are doing the Great North Run in aid of Tiny Lives at the RVI. They provide services to premature babies and their families and it was them who looked after us after we lost Oliver and Matthew. Also, they may well end up being involved in the twins care when they make an appearance. In addition, Chris/Ben are raising money for The Bobby Moor Fund-Cancer Research UK which is another cause close to our hearts. Chris has a number but the run is on September the 15th so Ben will do it if I'm in labour or if the twins haven't appeared. I have visions of being at home watching it on TV and my water's breaking while he is in South Shields watching the Red Arrows fly past!

You can sponsor them here!
https://www.justgiving.com/teams/chrisorben

Also, James, who is the elder of my 2 younger brothers, is very kindly doing the Great North Run to raise money both for both Tiny Lives at the RVI and for the Leeds Mother and Baby unit who looked after My Sister in Law, Nephew and of course my Brother last year. Both are great causes so I've put the link below:
 http://www.justgiving.com/teams/Jhunt

Obviously, my brothers and Chris will be crossing the ling right behind Mo Farah!

34+3- Getting "Unpicked" Tomorrow!- Updated

So tomorrow is the big stitch out day. Never thought I'd be writing that! I'm reporting to the hospital in the morning and after that we'll see what happens. The hospital doctors seem to vary greatly on what they think will happen, from thinking that I'll go in to labour more or less straight away to saying that they think I'll make my section date. I reckon that this is because having a stitch with twins is quite rare in itself and often people who do have one go in to labour before removal and have it taken out then... Think it is all a bit "off piste!"

Yesterday we had our last routine twins clinic appointment. The twins are measuring a whopping 5lb10oz and wait for it ..6lb3oz!!! I think that these sound to me like "proper" baby weights and also means that they have probably outgrown the first set of clothes that I got for their hospital bags. So that was today's job, going to Mothercare to buy "Tiny Baby" instead of "Early Baby" clothes.

The fact that they are now each roughly 3 times the weight of their big brothers makes me thankful that I have opted for an elective section rather than an induction if I get to 36 weeks. The way they are going, they will be 7lb+ by then and I don't think anyone ever fancies pushing out 14lb of baby!

Just to finish off, James, who is the elder of my 2 younger brothers, is very kindly doing the Great North Run to raise money both for Tiny Lives at the RVI (who looked after us after we lost Oliver and Matthew and may well end up being involved in the twins care when they make an appearence) and for the Leeds Mother and Baby unit who looked after My Sister in Law, Nephew and of course my Brother last year. Both are great causes so I've put the link below:
 http://www.justgiving.com/teams/Jhunt

Also,either Chris or Ben, my little brother, are doing the GNR for Tiny Lives and Cancer Research UK. Chris has a number but the run is on September the 15th so Ben will do it if I'm in labour or if the twins haven't appeared. I have visions of being at home watching it on TV and my water's breaking while he is in South Shields watching the Red Arrows fly past!

Me and the younger but taller brothers!

https://www.justgiving.com/teams/chrisorben

Keeping everything crossed for tomorrow!

33w+3.. Count Down To Stitch Removal... Trying To Keep Busy!

Another week ticked off here I am at 33w+3, bored and quite fidgety! The problem is that when I get bored I tend to also get thoughtful.. and not necessarily in a good way!

When my mind is quiet that's when thoughts of all the million and one things that can still go wrong appear and when the tears for Oliver and Matthew tend to come! I also do daft things when I'm bored like watching last weeks episode of BBC 3's "The Midwives", which included a pregnancy after a loss, bereavement services and a twin C-section which went a bit wrong at the end. It was all a bit close to home. My mother in law had warned me.. should have listened (sorry Viv!)

So, I have been trying really hard to keep myself occupied, which is extra tricky when you have a stitch in and ar'nt supposed to be doing much. My normal hobbies of swimming (infection risk in the stitch), playing the Saxophone (no lung capacity and feet in my diaphragm) and walking (more like waddling) are pretty much out. In the past week I have achieved the following:

• Finished and hung up the blooming nursery curtains!
• Beaten Chris at University Challenge (his excuse was that I had 3 brains.. this didn't wash with me!)
• Fixed the curtain tie backs in the lounge.
• Made beetroot and apple chutney with the beetroot from our garden.
• Washed and put away a load of baby clothes.
• Made a photo book of our holiday to India and one for the twins about their big brothers.
• Watched most of season 3 of "Breaking Bad".
• Been out for coffee (dropped off and picked up from the door!)

 .....and gossiped with my friends in reall life and on Skype.

I'm now approaching the point where I just want them to be here! another week or so would be fab and I know that they are still better growing inside me for a little bit longer, but I want them out here so I can finally meet them and keep them safe.

I also went and saw my community midwife today. The normal one is in holiday but this one was lovely too. Anyway I measure 40w, heart beats and everything were fine and she thinks that the babies have swapped over to which one is the presenting twin! Anyway they are both head down and one is already engaged. We shall hopefully see what the scan says on Tuesday.

I'm not usually in to inspirational photos and quotes etc but I saw this on Facebook and it kind of sums up how I feel at the moment about Oliver and Matthew. It is great that I have got far enough in this pregnancy to stop worrying about the very premature element and I do feel a sort of cautious excitement. However no matter how wonderful it will be to have their little brothers or sisters here, I'll never forget my number 1 boys.

32w+2 (yup you read that right!)- Reasons To Be Cheerful.

Well after 28 weeks my next target was 32 weeks and here we all are, me, 2 very kicky twins and Chris. We had a scan today and the babies are still looking quite chunky at 4lb 13oz and 4lb 6oz. They are both now poised head down which I'm hoping will make for a quick and easy exit, but not so quick that it happens in the middle of the Tyne Bridge! We also got 2 important dates today, one for the removal of the cervical stitch, which may start labour, and a second for an elective Caesarian section when I am term for identical twins, which I don't see happening but I guess is always a possibility! I'm going to maintain the element of surprise and keep quiet on the exact dates but hopefully our twins will have arrived safe and well within the next month! I am still very nervous and I won't relax until they are here in our arms but the end feels like it's in sight at least.

It was really lovely that in clinic today so many staff took time out to say how pleased they were that we had got this far. It really made me feel well looked after. The sonographer said that I felt like she had been scanning me for ages! I replied that I feel that I have been pregnant for ages! I worked out that of the past 17 months, I have been pregnant for about 13 of them! Pub quiz fact: That is approximately the same amount of time that a camel is pregnant for,but not quite as long as a giraffe!

I have been so impressed by all the care we have received both in this pregnancy and when Matthew and Oliver were born. In my last post I talked about bad luck. In this post I wanted to turn the tables a little and talk a bit about other things that I am extreemly grateful for:

I am so happy that we got to spend almost a week with Oliver and Matthew. I have friends whose babies were still born and I am so glad that we got even a tiny bit of time to get to know our sons.

I'm really glad that all four of Matthew and Oliver's grandparents got to meet them in their short lives.

I am so grateful that I have a wonderful family and fabulous friends who have been really supportive of me and Chris all along the whole journey..... and I'm so lucky to have a wonderful  husband who has looked after me tons this pregnancy (cooks me lovely food, drinks low alcohol beer so he can drive me to the hospital at any given point, gives words of encouragement to the bump etc, etc,) even though it's been tough for him too.

Team Broomhall in our finery!

I have met some really inspirational people through what has happened in the past year and although sometimes it feels like we are all members of "The club that no one wants to join" I have made some great friendships with other bereaved mums and become closer to others that I already knew.

I am relieved that I am lucky enough to live in a country with health care which is high quality and free. I spent some time years ago working in a school in Kenya which had a maternity clinic attached to it. I know that if my boys had been born out there then they wouldn't have had any hope of survival. I also know that in many places in the world I wouldn't be having the fortnightly scans and appointments that I have now and that I wouldn't be able to drive 15mins to the hospital to get checked out whenever I needed to. I dread to think the bills we would be racking up if we lived on the other side of the Atlantic

Me and some smiley happy faces when I was teaching in Kenya.

I'm really relieved that we didn't have to battle for years to get pregnant in the first place. To do that and then to lose a child or children, like several of my friends have, must be even more extra hard and difficult!
....And I'm sure that there is much more.

For those of you who are wondering. I have summoned up the courage to get the half made curtains that I started making on October the 7th last year out of the box but I haven't plucked up the courage to finish them yet.. still it's a start!

31+1- How Bad Luck Doesn't Discriminate.

Here we are. 6 more days to go to my next big target that the Prematurity Consultant gave me. Have had stern words with these babies!

Today I'm going to write about something that I have noticed during my NICU experience with Oliver and Matthew, and also during this pregnancy.

Infant loss and stillbirth DO NOT discriminate... neither does high risk pregnancy.

I mean, there are things that you could do that wouldn't do you and your babies and favours. Perhaps if you downed a bottle of vodka for breakfast before smoking 40 a day and finishing off with a few lines of cocaine then things might not go according to plan. But, by and large, if you go in to a neonatal unit, or to a group for bereaved parents you would find people from all ages, classes and walks of live.

It annoys me greatly when people, generally well meaning, say things like. "Oh but your feeling much healthier this time round right?" The answer is "not really"  If anything I feel much less healthy this time round with all the resting and not being able to do much! 

Oliver and Matthew were born following a straightforward twin pregnancy. I'd been really good with what I was eating, I had had 3 glasses of wine the whole time and that was largely because I turned 30 in September! I had been to pregnancy yoga, gone swimming every week, never missed a medical appointment and had been really trying to take it a bit easier too (which as a person I find really hard). But they still came 15 1/2 weeks early. And even though we now think we know the reason why, I have no risk factors (apart from the twins thing) for having cervical incompetency. It was just one of those things, a horrendous thing to happen, but genuinely just terrible bad luck.

To illustrate my point that these things can, and do happen to anyone, I'm going to point you in the direction of a few interesting bits of writing on the web. Last night Chris and I were talking about names again as we still aren't 100% sure. At this point I remembered that Alex James, bassist and cheese maker, had twins with brilliant names, (Artemas and Galileo for the record but don't worry guys, those names arn't on the list). I am a huge fan of Blur and have been since I was in my teens, and even went to Paris to see them when I couldn't get tickets in the UK. Infact Oliver and Matthew went to a Blur gig in utero.. although I'm not sure how much they appreciated it.

Me, Matthew and Oliver at London Live, I'm pretty sure that 16 week old foetuses enjoy '90's indie music!

Anyway, Alex James' twins were born very prematurely, out of the blue, and he wrote this article about it for the Independent. I really like it and think it is very true to life and moving. I paticulaly like the quote from the Dr:

 "Don't be ridiculous, you don't want twins. It's complicated. It's risky. Have them one at a time."

The other piece that I wanted to share with you all, you might have already seen because it became a bit of a Facebook hit last year. 

I'm sure lots of you will remember the sad stillbirth of Gary Barlow (Take That) and his wife Dawn's daughter Poppy just over a year ago. It was during the Olympics and there was much debate on social media over whether he would perform at the closing ceremony or not (which somewhat ironically coincided exactly with the Blur London live gig that I was at). 

At the time, even though it was before we lost Oliver and Matthew, I remember thinking that people should just leave them be. I now realise how hard it would have been to be in his position. Crikey, if after we lost our boys, every random tabloid reporter and the population of social media websites was giving their half baked opinions on when I should go back to work I would have been in bits! To be honest, I think when you are that famous you are pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The comedian Jason Manford wrote about this on his blog- It is quite long but it's worth reading to the end. 

Some food for thought there....

Speaking of food I better get off for some lunch, I'm eating for 3 remember!

30w+5. Shop. But definately not until you drop!

Well here we are 30w+5. At our growth scan on Tuesday twins were about 3lb13oz each so I'm guessing with the amount of Ben and Jerry's that I have been eating they will be 4lb pretty soon! They will also be here at sometime within the next 5.5 weeks which is exciting but also scary. The stitch, which I'm pretty sure is what is holding them in,comes out in about 3.5w and I'm fairly sure that that will set things going if they haven't arrived already.

They are already causing trouble. Every time I end up in hospital in a premature labour scare (which is often) I get hooked up to a ctg monitor to monitor the babies' heart rates and check for contractions. The twins DO NOT like this one bit. The second the midwife gets both heart beats and leaves the cubicle so we can get half an hour trace, they move, the machine gets 2 heart beats that are the same and an alarm goes off or it measures none because they have kicked the sensors and knocked their position. From all the cubicles around you can hear the reassuring regular wooshing of babies heart beats...from ours you can hear what sounds like a cross between a washing machine and a radio being tuned as they cause havoc!

Me and my very uncoperative twins on the CTG monitor.

Apart from having premature labour scares, the other thing that we have been doing recently is preparing for the Little Brooomhalls' arrival. This has been much harder than I thought. Like most pregnant women, I want to choose lovely things for my babies. However, unlike lots of other pregnant women, at the moment that comes with fear and guilt attatched to it.

We have now brought most of the nursery furniture but it is all still boxed up.. I'm not superstitious but a bit of me dare not unpack it and I definitely haven't started on the blooming curtains. We packed the babies' hospital bag the other day and a bit of me felt so guilty that we hadn't got lovely new clothes for Oliver and Matthew. Obviously, this was because of their unexpectedly early arrival but It still made me feel like a bad mother, that I'd brought lots of nice things for one set of babies but not the other.

The one thing we, well Chris, has done is put up the light in the nursery. It is immensely funky....

In a way it seems appropriate that light is the first thing in the room!

29w+1- When it all comes flooding back!

So I thought I'd squeeze in a blog post between my whooping cough jab and my dentist appointment- Why I have booked these for the same day, I have absolutely no idea!

So, last week I had another 48 hours in hospital for observations. I was having regular Braxton Hics every 5 mins so went in to get checked out, they checked my stitch, which was fine (yey!) but then decidided to keep me in and watch me just in case. To be quite honest, I think that any medical staff who read the autobiography that is my notes just think "Heck, there is no way I'm letting her go anywhere". Anyway, I came home on Thursday evening and touch wood all is fine!

We also had a growth scan last Tuesday. Both twins still big for dates and both pushing 3lb at 2lb 15oz! Chunky monkeys! I also saw my prematurity consultant who was really pleased that I had met my first 28w target and we are now aiming for 32w and stitch out at 34w if no babies by then (I am sceptical about getting to 34w but it would be nice to be in the 30s!)

The other exciting part of last week was our twins antenatal class. This was a really useful and enjoyable, yet emotionally draining experience.

Even though I have had twins before, it was all so out of the blue and we were so unprepared that although I do remember Oliver and Matthew's birth, I didn't really know exactly what was happening at the time and I don't really have any clue what to do with these twins if we are lucky enough to take them home! So,from that point of view, the classes are great. It has also been fantastic to meet other couples expecting twins (and more!), to see the labour unit where we will hopefully have them and also the midwife who does it is hilarious so it has been entertaining too. To end the course, a mum brought her triplets in and we all got to have a cuddle. They were absolutely gorgeous and had been born at 30w with a shortish and uneventful hospital stay- which was reassuring.

However, last week, one session included a tour of the Neonatal Unit. Now the neontal unit at this hospital isn't the one that looked after our boys most of the time but it is where Oliver died after being transefered to the bigger hospital for his NEC operation. I still wanted to look round because the likelyhood is that these twins will need some special care and our experience is all of the really hard core NICU type rather than HDU and ordinary SCBU, where as time goes on, they are hopefully be more likely to end up.

I really did think that I was ready, that we spent so little time with Oliver at the RVI that It didn't hold the memories that the unit at JCUH did. However, I was wrong. I was no where near ready. The second that we walked in to the "Red Zone" where NICU is, it all came flooding back. I could remember exactly what bay he was in, where his incubator was, where we waited for him to be settled after transfer and where we waited for him to come back from surgery. It was too hard, the tears came and I just had to leave.

I was so embarrassed but all the staff were really understanding and lovely. I managed to go round the "Blue and Green Zones" which form the rest of the unit, which was a positive experience because it brought home the fact that all  premature babies aren't as poorly as Oliver and Matthew.

When I got home, I saw a picture that someone I know through a Facebook group for people who have lost from a multiple birth had put online. It summed up perfectly how I felt after the tour.

You can have have a great day when you are expecting to have a terrible one and a terrible one when you are least expecting it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The grief is still constantly there and occasionally bubbles to the surface and the fear is still there too. Even though right now I have one very active twin kicking me in the bladder and the other's foot in my right ribs, until they are here and safe, I won't quite believe it.

We also started sorting out the twins room this weekend and brought 3 baby vests... this is a major achievement for us..

To end on a happy note, Chris and I managed to get out for a rare night out last night to a friend's wedding evening do. It was great to get dressed up and go out even if I couldn't dance and show my funky moves (don't think my consultant would be that impressed if I busted my stitch on the dance floor)! Huge congrats Mr and Mrs Davy!

Hello Third Trimester Of Pregnancy- Pleased To Meet You!

I am now 28+1 day pregnant. I still know that there is a long road ahead, that there are no guarantees in life, and obviously I want them to stay in there for as long as possible. But 28 weeks is when rates of survival for premature babies really increase, and it has always been a major milestone for me.

When I had my stitch put in at just over 23 weeks the consultant said "I don't see this getting to to term but let's aim for 28 weeks" and here I am!

I did think I would feel more relieved than I do. I remember 4 weeks after Oliver and Matthew were born thinking "They'd be 28 weeks now and they'd probably be OK" But rather than relief I think I feel a bit of cautious optimism.. When Oliver and Matthew were born they had about a 30% chance of surviving and their chances of surviving without any major disability was tiny. If the Beansters arrived today then the chances of them surviving would be around the 90% mark and they would have a high chance of being ok in the long run after a lengthy hospital stay.

I also feel like perhaps I could start shopping and nesting...at last!

Talking of my number 1 boys, as I have mentioned before, Matthew and Oliver were cremated so we don't have a headstone or a grave for them. Instead, we have lots of special things to remember them by, either organised by us or our families. Among other things they have a tree at Alnwick Gardens where Chris and I got married and a butterfly in the Great North Museum.

Their Aunty and Uncle sponsored them a tree in a forest in Durham and their Grandparents have planted various things in gardens for them.  At home we have lanterns with their names on and a photo of the beach where we scattered their ashes. However, my work gave us some money to buy something special for our garden for them and we haven't got round to doing this yet. We thought that we might dedicate a tree in the garden on their birthday. I'd been looking all over for a nice sort of sign or plaque for it (one that doesn't look to "memorially")and I have finally found one and it's arrived!

Ready for the garden.

On a final note, at the time of writing the Royal Baby is on it's way. It's all over the news but I just feel nervous as I know that a happy ending isn't guaranteed. I think that's a change you go through when you lose a baby. Now, when I hear of a woman in labour my first thought isn't "Oh isn't it wonderful I wonder if it's a girl or boy?" rather it's "I hope they are all OK!"

Back to the Beansters, tomorrow it is their 28 week growth scan and consultants appointment so we'll see how they are doing.

My Notes Look Like the Complete Works Of Shakespeare and The Midwives Recognise Me!

Firstly- 27 weeks today- Going to have some chocolate to celebrate!

So this time last year I still didn't know that I was pregnant with twins (we found out about Oliver and Matthew on the 20th of July 2012 at our 12 week scan) At this point I was still firmly of the opinion that I was going to our local hospital and having a low risk water birth, with nice music and mood lighting obviously!

What a difference a year makes! This week I have had a scan, spent one night in hospital and several hours back there in the Maternity Assessment Unit!

Our scan on Tuesday was fine, both babies growing well, both well over 2lb- In fact they should now be over 1kg which, if they were born now would make them "very low birth weight babies" as opposed to "extremely low birth weight" babies! Most importantly, they are both about the same size and sharing the amniotic fluid nicely.

On Wednesday I had lots of random cramps and Braxton Hicks. I went to MAU where they checked my stitch and put me on a monitor. They couldn't find anything obviously wrong but decided to keep me in over night for observations due to my history. They were really nice and that explained that if I was a "normal" pregnant woman they would have sent me home but what with the whole history / twins / stitch scenario that they would like to keep an eye on me. Lots of the staff on the ward recognised me from when I got my stitch put in and made me feel at home.

Anyway, everything calmed down, they reckon it was ligament pain and Braxton Hicks probably made worse by dehydration and the boiling weather. I was sent home to following afternoon with instructions to call back if ANYTHING else happened. sure enough Saturday evening was back with lower abdominal pain which turned out to be a UTI- Lovely!

The care we have had has been amazing but I'm now getting to the point that I can spot my own hospital notes in the piles that the hospital staff sort out. They are the really, really thick ones!

When I was in hospital, I was reminded that one of the things that I quite like about maternity care is that it is a brilliant social leveller. Nearly everyone has their baby/ies on the NHS (unless you are Royalty!) and it doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, what religion or race you are, if you are in your teens or your 40's everyone is in it together.

This point can be well illustrated by the ladies who I was on the ward with the past few times I have been in hospital. This week I was in a bed next to the wife of the Imam from the local mosque. I cannot imagine another situation when I would end up talking to an Imam's wife but we had a good chat and I learned lots about what you do in Ramadan when you are pregnant.

Meanwhile, opposite her was a lady who was full on Chav-tastic -Geordie Shore. She was friendly enough but spent most of the time swearing at people loudly on her mobile- and I mean proper swearing! The 4th was a very studious but smiley PHD student who had all her uni books, Mac book etc in with her and spent all day working- clearly she isn't easily distracted by day time telly and trashy magazines like me!

When I was getting my cerclage done, 2 of the girls in my bay were much like myself and the 4th was a really young girl who was lovely but kept having loud domestics with her partner, who was electronically tagged, when he came to visit (was a bit Jeremy Kyle... especially the way he kept rolling up his jeans so everyone could see the tag!)

I love people watching...  as you might be able to tell.

I'm going to finish this post with this picture, which someone else put on Facebook so I can't take full credit for it. It freaks me out and makes me amazed at the same time, pretty much in equal measure.
Also the pedantic part of me wants to point out that line 3 should say "At two points"...

So that must be why I have no space for any food and raging heartburn!

26w+1 Hot Pregnant Lady Alert and Thank you MIL!

Well here I am hanging in there at 26+1.. While I'm under no illusions that I am out of the woods yet ,26 weeks is lots better than 24. Every Sunday when I get a week more pregnant I have been giving myself a little treat. This week we went to Krispy Kreme.... yumm.

Those of you who live in the UK will be aware that it has been unusually hot recently, even here in Newcastle, not renowned for it's Mediterranean temperatures. Whilst it isn't fab weather to be pregnant with twins in (swollen feet and lack of sleep) it is has been good for 2 reasons.

Firstly, one of the main reasons we brought this house was for the garden. For most of the time we have lived here it has looked more like a swamp/swimming pool/ ice rink/.. This weekend we actually had a BBQ accompanied by some of our own home grown salad!

Secondly, Chris' family all come from "Down South", Torbay in Devon to be precise, the land of clotted cream and apparently a tropical micro climate. (They have palm trees didn't you know!) Anyway, whenever any of his family come to visit us the weather up here is horrendous. BUT last week my lovely Mother in Law came up to keep me company and help out with my enforced being lazy and it was actually quite nice out, thus proving that I haven't dragged her only son up here for a lifetime of dampness and vitamin D deficiency.

While we were out in the garden today I got Chris to take a photo of me and my double bump. After we had Oliver and Matthew, I constantly regretted not having many bump photos. In this pregnancy I have obviously promptly forgotten this and still don't have many bump photos. So here is me and the Beansters, in the Geordie sunshine, sweaty and slightly sunburned (me, not them I hope!)...Send positive vibes that they are comfy and want to stay put for at least a few more weeks.

...Send positive vibes that they are comfy and want to stay put for at least a few more weeks.

Tomorrow we have a scan, a midwife appointment and a consultant's appointment so fingers crossed all is peachy and that I'll have good news to share!

Why I'm All Stitched Up But The Curtains Aren't!

So.. long time no post.. It's been an eventful week!

Last Wednesday I had a routine cervical scan where it was found that things were begining to look decididly dodgy! Not at the emergency levels yet but perhaps heading that way.

For the gynaecologicaly minded of you..the Drs look for your cervix, or neck of the womb, to be over 25mm long if it's under but still over 15mm then they just up their monitoring if it's under 1.5mm then they spring in to action! Mine was varying between 23mm (not too bad) and 13mm (action stations!) depending on how hard twin 1's head was pushing at the exit.

Anyway, after some discussion with the consultant who told me that I had a 50:50 chance of having the twins in the next 2 weeks, I was admitted to hospital there and then to have a cervical cerclage stitch put in that evening- How's that for NHS efficiency! . The riskiest bit is the operation it's self. It can irritate the uterus and send you in to premature labour or if the babies' membranes get in the way they can get caught on the needle and then the waters break.. Not good. However neither happened, I did have a few small contractions afterwards but they did go away..phew...

Anyway, apparently the procedure was straight forward and after the spinal anaesthetic I went up to the ward to recover for 2 nights. I have to hand it to the RVI I was looked after so well, all the ward staff from house keeping to midwives to the consultants all were fab! In addition the other girls on the ward were really nice too and those of you who know me know I love a good natter!

I was discharged on Friday to the care of my amazing house hubby Chris, full of progesterone (to stop premature labour) and steriod injections (to mature the babies lungs incase they do make an appearence very soon.

All in all, although it has been a scary week. I am feeling quite positive. The problem was caught at a much earlier stage than it was with Oliver and Matthew. While I did have the steriod shots to mature their lungs, I only had time for half the course and even that probably didn't have much time to work. Even though we aren't out of the woods yet, we are in a better place than last time. I also had a bit of a reaslisation during the scan: I have struggled for a long time not to blame myself for what happened to my boys. Why didn't I notice what was happening?, Why didn't I go to the hospital earlier? etc, etc,. Yet, when watching my cervix lenthen and shorten on the scan, I couldn't feel a thing. I could have been walking around like that with Matthew and Oliver for weeks and not have known.

On Saturday, when I had to go back in to hospital for the second steroid injection (huge needle in bum...lovely) The midwife was having trouble distinguishing between the 2 heartbeats- this is quite normal but they decided to do a scan to see the heart beats separately.

The consultant on call did the scan and it became obvious that the reason that they couldn't distinguish between the heartbeats was because the Beansters were one behind the other. At this point The Consultant said that the Holy Grail of 3D scanning was to get twins together facing the same way in a pic and that he couldn't resist having a go. Then he turned the machine on to posh 3d mode and look what we saw....

Already got Daddy's jawline!

 

 

 

 

And I know you are all wanting to know about the curtains. I was cutting and pining the nursery curtains when I went in to premature labour with Oliver and Matthew. Tuesday night this week was the same point of this pregnancy and the curtains stayed, half made, in a box under the bed where they will stay for at least another 5 weeks...not that am superstitious or anything.

23 Weeks and Counting....

I'm now just over 23 weeks pregnant. The last time I was 23 weeks pregnant was just after my 30th birthday- The week before (my actual birthday) Chris had taken me to Edinburgh on a "Pamper and Panda" trip- I had wanted to see the Pandas at Edinburgh Zoo for ages!!!

The following week I was celebrating with my friends and family, we went to see "Dirty Dancing the Musical"- Not exactly high theatre but pretty much does what it says on the tin and was a good, girly laugh!

I can honestly say this is the last time I ever felt really happy and carefree. We had recently had our 20 week scan where our babies had been doing just fine, we were enjoying our celebrations and looking forward to meeting our babies just after Christmas. We had absolutely no clue of what was only just around the corner.

Me and the Hubby on our Kate's 30th Babymoon last September

This time being just over 23 weeks pregnant means something totally different. Every twinge is a panic. Every day brings me closer to when we met and then said goodbye to our gorgeous boys. I think if we get passed the 26, 27 weeks mark then the fear will start to lift but for now it is still there, a constant feeling of waiting for something to go wrong...

I guess that everyone who is pregnant again has these milestones and they way I'm feeling right now I think it must be supremely tough for people who lost their little ones right at the end of pregnancy..that milestone would take a long time to get too!

But for me the next few weeks are baby steps, day by day, because, unfortunately a couple of Valium and a large G&T are a no go!

Shock Horror.. Doughnuts are not an accurate gender predictor!

So on Sunday we went to Krispy Kreme for coffee and dougnuts. Our local branch opened last year and, dangerously for a pregnant and usually hungry lady, it has a drive through and is pretty much on my route to work!

Krispy Kreme have a new baby doughnut out in honour of " The Royal Baby". They have either a pink or blue centre and then you are suppsoed to put a little dougnut sticker on a chart to see which gets the most votes.

It is worth noting at this point that I don't really have any opinion at all on the Royal Baby as long as he or she is healthy, although a bit of me thinks it would be good if "it" was a girl for the whole "girl power law of succession" argument!

Chris and I got one each of these tasty looking chocolate coated treats complete with little feet on the top, to see what they had to say about the Beanies (we are keeping there genders a surprise until the birth!) Anyway, we know they are identical twins and ergo are they same sex and tada here are our doughnuts...

So one blue and one pink!

Ladies and gentlemen the moral of the story is that doughnuts cannot accurately predict the gender of your baby royal or otherwise.. where as possibly an ultrasound scan could!

Pigs and Penguins

I haven't been keeping up with this blog as much as I have meant to recently. This is largely because of the unusually warm weather 'Up North where I have largely been sitting on the patio drinking squash from a wine glass pretending it was a large glass of Pinot. However have had a few thoughts of things to write about whilst trying not to get sunburned (in Gateshead...Yes really!).

Today I thought I'd write about the random things that can really make the feelings of loss I feel come bubbling up to the surface.. They are always there and I'm pretty sure always will be but sometimes unexpected things hit me like a ton of bricks. It isn't always the obvious things either. The neonatal death that was covered recently on "One Born Every Minute", The cot death on "Call The Midwife"... you can prepare for and avoid if needed. The couple in the park with the blue twin pram and the trolleys with twin seats in at Sainsbury's are harder to avoid but it gets even more random than that.

On Saturday afternoon, Chris and I decided to go to our local farm. Not just because he is from the West Country and needed a tractor fix, but because they have a nice café with picnic tables etc.

Anyway, while we were there we met this gorgeous creature and her 9 little ones!

Whilst feeling slightly guilty about the bacon sandwich that I had had for breakfast that morning, I noticed that one of the little piglets looked a bit..erm runty! He (or she) was very skinny you could see his ribs and his brothers and sisters weren't letting him anywhere near his mum and food! I suddenly felt really worried about Runty Piglet, were the staff bottle feeding him?, would he be ok, should I mention it to someone etc, etc, and it brought home to me how it isn't always things that you would expect that brings the subject of loosing a baby to the front of your mind.

Not long after we lost the boys there was a BBC nature documentary about penguins called "The Spy in The Huddle" In one episode a baby penguins freezes to death in a storm and the bereaved parents go hunting for it. I got so upset watching it .. at one point I think I turned to Chris and said "I bet there isn't even a Barbara Penguin!"- Barbara is the name of our bereavement counsellor.

I was tempted to go and check up on Runty Piglet this afternoon, but I'm sure he is being well looked after by the staff at Bill Quay Farm. However it just goes to show, emotions are unpredictable things. I can hold my friend's new born son but get upset by a penguin and a piglet!

Tomorrow's post will be about doughnuts.. I can taste it already. 

Scans and Cake

So we had our 20 week scan on Tuesday. I'd been totally paranoid as I hadn't felt the babies move much yet and low and behold sonographer, puts the probe on my belly and they are leaping about all over the place. Cheeky little things! I feel them a lot less than their big brothers but I'm guessing that's because their placenta is all at the front and with the boys I had one at the front and one at the back. They were both totally fine, all structurally ok, no sigh of ttts or placental sharing issues and both above the 50th percentile for growth. We still don't know genders.. being very restrained!

Anyway here are Beanie 1 and Beanie 2 (We are soo going to have to think of some better names!)

On Wednesday we had the prematurity clinic and cervical scan (that was fun, 4 people in a room all looking at my cervix on a big screen- good job I lost all my dignity a while back!), I'm a bit more worried about this part of our treatment as it is all a bit scary and high risk but the Drs seem happy for now.. so if they aren't worrying then I'll try not to either!

Tonight I went to pregnancy yoga for the first time this pregnancy. I loved it when I went last time and I was slightly nervous about going again- Partly about the whole meeting lots of, mainly first time, pregnant ladies and trying not to freak them out whilst telling the truth about my situation, but also as it used to be my quality time with Matthew and Oliver.

I have to say that I have found bonding with my double bump hard this time round. Even when I see them on scans leaping around and kicking each other (and my bladder!) I don't feel like they are mine to keep yet and I don't feel the excitement that I felt with Oliver and Matthew. I am assured by everyone that this is totally and completely normal. But this evening I felt like I had taken a few teeny steps towards feeling a bit better about it!

As for the cake.. Tomorrow is Chris' 30-something birthday and I am trying to recreate this cake...

I have made the cake part and am decorating and assembling it tomorrow. Will post what it turns out like. Those of you who know me personally will remember that baking is not my strong point. I'm half expecting my scary old home economics teacher to appear at the door with a fire extinguisher!

Last day at work, but not really on maternity leave!!

So yesterday was my last day at work and a part of me feels so glad that I'm now a lady of leisure but another part of me feels like I'm in limbo, almost like I'm being a bit of a fraud. Someone I know from a forum said that she felt the same, as sadly, neither of us now equate going on maternity leave with having a baby to take home!

Technically, though I'm not on maternity leave yet. After the school holidays I will be 21+2 weeks so for the first 8 or so weeks of my leave I'm officially off on pregnancy related sickness. Because there was no clear reason apart from multiple birth ever found for why Oliver and Matthew turned up so soon, I've been advised to take it easy, not to be on my feet for more than an hour at a time, not to bend, stretch or lift heavy things and to avoid being pushed or bashed around. Being as my job involves teaching little people with little tables and chairs, and at this time of year that means sports days, trips and concerts, I can't really continue.

 I do however, generally love my job and am usually really enthusiastic about it. Recently though it has been very hard work, more so than normal, my heart hasn't been in it the way it used to be as all my priorities have shifted and perhaps that is also a sign that I ought to be slowing down.

I was really nervous at work all week as although I couldn't wait until Friday I was dreading people making a fuss. Really, I just wanted to slink off at the end of the day. I was paranoid that someone might buy me a "Leaving to have a baby" card or baby related stuff (off which I myself have brought very, very little!)

In the end though it was fine. The other teachers gave me a little good bye in the staff room and some nice smellies and told me to relax and put my feet up. I also got lots of chocs, bath stuff, scented candles and magazines from my class and my friend from work, which I'm hopeful will be useful in the next few weeks/ months.

In a way, I'm glad I didn't slink off totally un noticed, as it did make me realise how much people care which is always nice.

My plan from now until the birth is to chill out, make the most of my Lovefilm subscription, blog, crochet, sew, maybe do a bit of yoga, eat chocolate and sit out in the sun (hahaha).. Oh yes, and sleep ..lots and make Chris do all the housework!

Is it your first? When are you due? I'd love to have twins.

I'm currently "filling in the gaps" with this blog. I hope that when I finish work on Friday to rest up I'll catch up in reall time but today I wanted to write about something that I find really hard especially on two occasions recently.

My pregnancy has been pretty obvious to all from quite early on (as you can probably imagine, being pregnant with twins twice in a year does nothing for your abs/figure!)So, in the past month I've been looking pregnant enough for people that I don't really know to start commenting and asking questions... innocent enough.. but sometimes hard to answer.

Is "it" your first? I know many bereved mothers who are pregnant again find this one hard, in fact I nicked my stock response from a friend from university whose baby boy was still born. Usually say "We lost our first twins, but we are really hopeful about these ones" I cannot every bring myself to say "yes they are" because I feel like I always have to honor Oliver and Matthew's existence...They are my boys and I'll always be proud of them! People tend to react in one of 3 ways, all of which are totally fine. Mumble and not ask anything else, share with you their/their friends/parents/ stories of loss/fertility issues or- my favourite, just say something along the lines of "I'm really sorry, I wish you all the best!"

When are they due? For me that is the million dollar question. Matthew and  Oliver were born in October and due in January! Technically these 2 are due in October but will be induced by mid September if I get that far. Usually I say "Oh late summer early Autumn"- I feel that should cover it hopefully!

I'd love to have twins! Tricky one. It is an amazing gift to have twins, it is wonderful to see two little ones kicking each other on a scan. Seeing your 2 babies and how alike or not they are too each other is fascinating but twins are risky! A not very helpful consultant (not mine, mine is lovely!) said to someone I know "The womb is not built for 2"- Very true but when 2 have ended up in there naturally there isn't much you can do about it! The risk of stillbirth is 3 times higher in multiple pregnancies than single ones.. the risk of complications much higher..Having twins is wonderful, but it is also scary!

Recently, these questions have come up twice in different situations.
Firstly, we went to a friends wedding, it was great and we had a fab time but plenty of people there didn't really know us so there were lots of the normal pregnancy type questions. Someone said "Twins, eh, that will change your life!"
"in ways you can't even start to imagine"
 I thought.

We also started our twins antenatal classes. This was a a tricky one because everyone introduced themselves and mentioned other children they had or if their twins were their first pregnancy or they had had IVF etc. When it got to me I had to mention Oliver and Matthew, I felt a bit guilty, I didn't really want to freak out a big bunch of couples expecting twins. But they are our sons, I gave birth to them and I feel that they are too bigger part of our lives to be missed out, also if nothing else our story lets people expecting twins know to listen to their bodies and be hyper vigilant! Fortunately, I think it was received well, I had spoken to the midwife who runs it at the start and she thought I was very brave- clearly she couldn't see the sweat on my brow!

Always my first born boys!

My Amazing Parents

A quick post to give a shout out to my amazing parents. Not only have the been hugely supportive to me and Chris in the past 7 months (as have my in-laws). But recently they have been instrumental in the fundraising that we have been doing for the Neonatal Units which looked after our boys.

My Mum plays the fiddle and helped us organise a ceilidh back in March it was a cracking night that raised £1000 and we also got matched funding for it from a local firm of Solicitors so each charity ended up with just over a grand each!

Then, in April my Dad did the London Marathon, raising around £2000 and matching the time that he did 24 years ago when he was 30! big round of applause for him. His teeny grandsons would be immensely proud.

Twins Twice?

At the begining of February 2013 I found out I was pregnant again (I was quite suprised as it happened a lot more quickly than last time!) Due to our history we went for an early scan and consultant's appointment when I was about 7 weeks. I was petrified that there would be no baby, but also petrified that there might be 2!

The consultant found a foetal pole and heartbeat the exclaimed "Mmm that's interesting"- And pointed out a second yolk sac. He explained that it was probably vanishing twin syndrome where a second foetus had been conceived but failed to develop. He also pointed out that the 2 yolk sacs were in the same outer sac which would suggest a spilt embryo (Oliver and Matthew had been non identical and thus from 2 eggs)- The chances of this happening is 1:10,000

Anyway, He also gave me a comprehensive treatment plan involving cervical scans starting from 12 weeks to see if there was a problem with it that might have lead to Matthew and Oliver's early arrival.

So, here is the photo from our  12 week scan... notice anything? You don't need to be a scientific genius!

The following day we were refered to the larger hospital, a regional centre for multiple births for our Downs Screening. This is also where Oliver died and where I have bereavement counselling so they knew our situation as soon as we arrived which was good. There they confirmed that the twins are both identical and sharing a placenta. They explained that due to this we would need to transfer there for care and would get fortnightly scans- Whilst I knew the risks of twins sharing a placenta... I was reassured about the fortnightly scans part!!!

Mixed feelings doesn't really cover how I felt when we found out (and really how I still feel). Whilst a part of me feels like this is my second chance to be a mum of twins... another bit thinks, "Heck, what is going to stop this happening again!" 

Shock,
Excitiment,
Terror,
Elation...

Shame a very large glass of Merlot is off the cards!!!!