So, last week I had another 48 hours in hospital for observations. I was having regular Braxton Hics every 5 mins so went in to get checked out, they checked my stitch, which was fine (yey!) but then decidided to keep me in and watch me just in case. To be quite honest, I think that any medical staff who read the autobiography that is my notes just think "Heck, there is no way I'm letting her go anywhere". Anyway, I came home on Thursday evening and touch wood all is fine!
We also had a growth scan last Tuesday. Both twins still big for dates and both pushing 3lb at 2lb 15oz! Chunky monkeys! I also saw my prematurity consultant who was really pleased that I had met my first 28w target and we are now aiming for 32w and stitch out at 34w if no babies by then (I am sceptical about getting to 34w but it would be nice to be in the 30s!)
The other exciting part of last week was our twins antenatal class. This was a really useful and enjoyable, yet emotionally draining experience.
Even though I have had twins before, it was all so out of the blue and we were so unprepared that although I do remember Oliver and Matthew's birth, I didn't really know exactly what was happening at the time and I don't really have any clue what to do with these twins if we are lucky enough to take them home! So,from that point of view, the classes are great. It has also been fantastic to meet other couples expecting twins (and more!), to see the labour unit where we will hopefully have them and also the midwife who does it is hilarious so it has been entertaining too. To end the course, a mum brought her triplets in and we all got to have a cuddle. They were absolutely gorgeous and had been born at 30w with a shortish and uneventful hospital stay- which was reassuring.
However, last week, one session included a tour of the Neonatal Unit. Now the neontal unit at this hospital isn't the one that looked after our boys most of the time but it is where Oliver died after being transefered to the bigger hospital for his NEC operation. I still wanted to look round because the likelyhood is that these twins will need some special care and our experience is all of the really hard core NICU type rather than HDU and ordinary SCBU, where as time goes on, they are hopefully be more likely to end up.
I really did think that I was ready, that we spent so little time with Oliver at the RVI that It didn't hold the memories that the unit at JCUH did. However, I was wrong. I was no where near ready. The second that we walked in to the "Red Zone" where NICU is, it all came flooding back. I could remember exactly what bay he was in, where his incubator was, where we waited for him to be settled after transfer and where we waited for him to come back from surgery. It was too hard, the tears came and I just had to leave.
I was so embarrassed but all the staff were really understanding and lovely. I managed to go round the "Blue and Green Zones" which form the rest of the unit, which was a positive experience because it brought home the fact that all premature babies aren't as poorly as Oliver and Matthew.
When I got home, I saw a picture that someone I know through a Facebook group for people who have lost from a multiple birth had put online. It summed up perfectly how I felt after the tour.
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| You can have have a great day when you are expecting to have a terrible one and a terrible one when you are least expecting it. |
The grief is still constantly there and occasionally bubbles to the surface and the fear is still there too. Even though right now I have one very active twin kicking me in the bladder and the other's foot in my right ribs, until they are here and safe, I won't quite believe it.
We also started sorting out the twins room this weekend and brought 3 baby vests... this is a major achievement for us..
To end on a happy note, Chris and I managed to get out for a rare night out last night to a friend's wedding evening do. It was great to get dressed up and go out even if I couldn't dance and show my funky moves (don't think my consultant would be that impressed if I busted my stitch on the dance floor)! Huge congrats Mr and Mrs Davy!
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