Scans and Cake

So we had our 20 week scan on Tuesday. I'd been totally paranoid as I hadn't felt the babies move much yet and low and behold sonographer, puts the probe on my belly and they are leaping about all over the place. Cheeky little things! I feel them a lot less than their big brothers but I'm guessing that's because their placenta is all at the front and with the boys I had one at the front and one at the back. They were both totally fine, all structurally ok, no sigh of ttts or placental sharing issues and both above the 50th percentile for growth. We still don't know genders.. being very restrained!

Anyway here are Beanie 1 and Beanie 2 (We are soo going to have to think of some better names!)

On Wednesday we had the prematurity clinic and cervical scan (that was fun, 4 people in a room all looking at my cervix on a big screen- good job I lost all my dignity a while back!), I'm a bit more worried about this part of our treatment as it is all a bit scary and high risk but the Drs seem happy for now.. so if they aren't worrying then I'll try not to either!

Tonight I went to pregnancy yoga for the first time this pregnancy. I loved it when I went last time and I was slightly nervous about going again- Partly about the whole meeting lots of, mainly first time, pregnant ladies and trying not to freak them out whilst telling the truth about my situation, but also as it used to be my quality time with Matthew and Oliver.

I have to say that I have found bonding with my double bump hard this time round. Even when I see them on scans leaping around and kicking each other (and my bladder!) I don't feel like they are mine to keep yet and I don't feel the excitement that I felt with Oliver and Matthew. I am assured by everyone that this is totally and completely normal. But this evening I felt like I had taken a few teeny steps towards feeling a bit better about it!

As for the cake.. Tomorrow is Chris' 30-something birthday and I am trying to recreate this cake...

I have made the cake part and am decorating and assembling it tomorrow. Will post what it turns out like. Those of you who know me personally will remember that baking is not my strong point. I'm half expecting my scary old home economics teacher to appear at the door with a fire extinguisher!

Last day at work, but not really on maternity leave!!

So yesterday was my last day at work and a part of me feels so glad that I'm now a lady of leisure but another part of me feels like I'm in limbo, almost like I'm being a bit of a fraud. Someone I know from a forum said that she felt the same, as sadly, neither of us now equate going on maternity leave with having a baby to take home!

Technically, though I'm not on maternity leave yet. After the school holidays I will be 21+2 weeks so for the first 8 or so weeks of my leave I'm officially off on pregnancy related sickness. Because there was no clear reason apart from multiple birth ever found for why Oliver and Matthew turned up so soon, I've been advised to take it easy, not to be on my feet for more than an hour at a time, not to bend, stretch or lift heavy things and to avoid being pushed or bashed around. Being as my job involves teaching little people with little tables and chairs, and at this time of year that means sports days, trips and concerts, I can't really continue.

 I do however, generally love my job and am usually really enthusiastic about it. Recently though it has been very hard work, more so than normal, my heart hasn't been in it the way it used to be as all my priorities have shifted and perhaps that is also a sign that I ought to be slowing down.

I was really nervous at work all week as although I couldn't wait until Friday I was dreading people making a fuss. Really, I just wanted to slink off at the end of the day. I was paranoid that someone might buy me a "Leaving to have a baby" card or baby related stuff (off which I myself have brought very, very little!)

In the end though it was fine. The other teachers gave me a little good bye in the staff room and some nice smellies and told me to relax and put my feet up. I also got lots of chocs, bath stuff, scented candles and magazines from my class and my friend from work, which I'm hopeful will be useful in the next few weeks/ months.

In a way, I'm glad I didn't slink off totally un noticed, as it did make me realise how much people care which is always nice.

My plan from now until the birth is to chill out, make the most of my Lovefilm subscription, blog, crochet, sew, maybe do a bit of yoga, eat chocolate and sit out in the sun (hahaha).. Oh yes, and sleep ..lots and make Chris do all the housework!

Is it your first? When are you due? I'd love to have twins.

I'm currently "filling in the gaps" with this blog. I hope that when I finish work on Friday to rest up I'll catch up in reall time but today I wanted to write about something that I find really hard especially on two occasions recently.

My pregnancy has been pretty obvious to all from quite early on (as you can probably imagine, being pregnant with twins twice in a year does nothing for your abs/figure!)So, in the past month I've been looking pregnant enough for people that I don't really know to start commenting and asking questions... innocent enough.. but sometimes hard to answer.

Is "it" your first? I know many bereved mothers who are pregnant again find this one hard, in fact I nicked my stock response from a friend from university whose baby boy was still born. Usually say "We lost our first twins, but we are really hopeful about these ones" I cannot every bring myself to say "yes they are" because I feel like I always have to honor Oliver and Matthew's existence...They are my boys and I'll always be proud of them! People tend to react in one of 3 ways, all of which are totally fine. Mumble and not ask anything else, share with you their/their friends/parents/ stories of loss/fertility issues or- my favourite, just say something along the lines of "I'm really sorry, I wish you all the best!"

When are they due? For me that is the million dollar question. Matthew and  Oliver were born in October and due in January! Technically these 2 are due in October but will be induced by mid September if I get that far. Usually I say "Oh late summer early Autumn"- I feel that should cover it hopefully!

I'd love to have twins! Tricky one. It is an amazing gift to have twins, it is wonderful to see two little ones kicking each other on a scan. Seeing your 2 babies and how alike or not they are too each other is fascinating but twins are risky! A not very helpful consultant (not mine, mine is lovely!) said to someone I know "The womb is not built for 2"- Very true but when 2 have ended up in there naturally there isn't much you can do about it! The risk of stillbirth is 3 times higher in multiple pregnancies than single ones.. the risk of complications much higher..Having twins is wonderful, but it is also scary!

Recently, these questions have come up twice in different situations.
Firstly, we went to a friends wedding, it was great and we had a fab time but plenty of people there didn't really know us so there were lots of the normal pregnancy type questions. Someone said "Twins, eh, that will change your life!"
"in ways you can't even start to imagine"
 I thought.

We also started our twins antenatal classes. This was a a tricky one because everyone introduced themselves and mentioned other children they had or if their twins were their first pregnancy or they had had IVF etc. When it got to me I had to mention Oliver and Matthew, I felt a bit guilty, I didn't really want to freak out a big bunch of couples expecting twins. But they are our sons, I gave birth to them and I feel that they are too bigger part of our lives to be missed out, also if nothing else our story lets people expecting twins know to listen to their bodies and be hyper vigilant! Fortunately, I think it was received well, I had spoken to the midwife who runs it at the start and she thought I was very brave- clearly she couldn't see the sweat on my brow!

Always my first born boys!

My Amazing Parents

A quick post to give a shout out to my amazing parents. Not only have the been hugely supportive to me and Chris in the past 7 months (as have my in-laws). But recently they have been instrumental in the fundraising that we have been doing for the Neonatal Units which looked after our boys.

My Mum plays the fiddle and helped us organise a ceilidh back in March it was a cracking night that raised £1000 and we also got matched funding for it from a local firm of Solicitors so each charity ended up with just over a grand each!

Then, in April my Dad did the London Marathon, raising around £2000 and matching the time that he did 24 years ago when he was 30! big round of applause for him. His teeny grandsons would be immensely proud.

Twins Twice?

At the begining of February 2013 I found out I was pregnant again (I was quite suprised as it happened a lot more quickly than last time!) Due to our history we went for an early scan and consultant's appointment when I was about 7 weeks. I was petrified that there would be no baby, but also petrified that there might be 2!

The consultant found a foetal pole and heartbeat the exclaimed "Mmm that's interesting"- And pointed out a second yolk sac. He explained that it was probably vanishing twin syndrome where a second foetus had been conceived but failed to develop. He also pointed out that the 2 yolk sacs were in the same outer sac which would suggest a spilt embryo (Oliver and Matthew had been non identical and thus from 2 eggs)- The chances of this happening is 1:10,000

Anyway, He also gave me a comprehensive treatment plan involving cervical scans starting from 12 weeks to see if there was a problem with it that might have lead to Matthew and Oliver's early arrival.

So, here is the photo from our  12 week scan... notice anything? You don't need to be a scientific genius!

The following day we were refered to the larger hospital, a regional centre for multiple births for our Downs Screening. This is also where Oliver died and where I have bereavement counselling so they knew our situation as soon as we arrived which was good. There they confirmed that the twins are both identical and sharing a placenta. They explained that due to this we would need to transfer there for care and would get fortnightly scans- Whilst I knew the risks of twins sharing a placenta... I was reassured about the fortnightly scans part!!!

Mixed feelings doesn't really cover how I felt when we found out (and really how I still feel). Whilst a part of me feels like this is my second chance to be a mum of twins... another bit thinks, "Heck, what is going to stop this happening again!" 

Shock,
Excitiment,
Terror,
Elation...

Shame a very large glass of Merlot is off the cards!!!!

A New Normal

Losing Oliver and Matthew is the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I feel that I have had a part of me taken away, that live is so unfair.

In the early days I struggled a lot with blaming myself- (Other than multiple birth no reason was ever found for our boys early arrival)- But with the help of my fantastic husband, our amazing families and a very supportive team of hospital staff, I got through Christmas, the boys due date and then returned to work in January. Everyday was (and is still hard) but the bad days get further apart and the good ones closer together. When I was off work for 3 months after their deaths I found that giving myself a routine helped enormously. I may have felt like vegging in bed all day but getting up, going for a swim, going to yoga and seeing friends kept me going. I also made and sold about £200 worth of Christmas tree decorations for a local memory box charity.

I can do things now that I couldn't even think of doing 6 months ago-Have a girly night out, go to the pub, function at work live a normal day to day existence. Even though, really I feel far from my old self.

A "New Normal" soon emerged... however I didn't know at this point that another twist was just around the corner!