29w+1- When it all comes flooding back!

So I thought I'd squeeze in a blog post between my whooping cough jab and my dentist appointment- Why I have booked these for the same day, I have absolutely no idea!

So, last week I had another 48 hours in hospital for observations. I was having regular Braxton Hics every 5 mins so went in to get checked out, they checked my stitch, which was fine (yey!) but then decidided to keep me in and watch me just in case. To be quite honest, I think that any medical staff who read the autobiography that is my notes just think "Heck, there is no way I'm letting her go anywhere". Anyway, I came home on Thursday evening and touch wood all is fine!

We also had a growth scan last Tuesday. Both twins still big for dates and both pushing 3lb at 2lb 15oz! Chunky monkeys! I also saw my prematurity consultant who was really pleased that I had met my first 28w target and we are now aiming for 32w and stitch out at 34w if no babies by then (I am sceptical about getting to 34w but it would be nice to be in the 30s!)

The other exciting part of last week was our twins antenatal class. This was a really useful and enjoyable, yet emotionally draining experience.

Even though I have had twins before, it was all so out of the blue and we were so unprepared that although I do remember Oliver and Matthew's birth, I didn't really know exactly what was happening at the time and I don't really have any clue what to do with these twins if we are lucky enough to take them home! So,from that point of view, the classes are great. It has also been fantastic to meet other couples expecting twins (and more!), to see the labour unit where we will hopefully have them and also the midwife who does it is hilarious so it has been entertaining too. To end the course, a mum brought her triplets in and we all got to have a cuddle. They were absolutely gorgeous and had been born at 30w with a shortish and uneventful hospital stay- which was reassuring.

However, last week, one session included a tour of the Neonatal Unit. Now the neontal unit at this hospital isn't the one that looked after our boys most of the time but it is where Oliver died after being transefered to the bigger hospital for his NEC operation. I still wanted to look round because the likelyhood is that these twins will need some special care and our experience is all of the really hard core NICU type rather than HDU and ordinary SCBU, where as time goes on, they are hopefully be more likely to end up.

I really did think that I was ready, that we spent so little time with Oliver at the RVI that It didn't hold the memories that the unit at JCUH did. However, I was wrong. I was no where near ready. The second that we walked in to the "Red Zone" where NICU is, it all came flooding back. I could remember exactly what bay he was in, where his incubator was, where we waited for him to be settled after transfer and where we waited for him to come back from surgery. It was too hard, the tears came and I just had to leave.

I was so embarrassed but all the staff were really understanding and lovely. I managed to go round the "Blue and Green Zones" which form the rest of the unit, which was a positive experience because it brought home the fact that all  premature babies aren't as poorly as Oliver and Matthew.

When I got home, I saw a picture that someone I know through a Facebook group for people who have lost from a multiple birth had put online. It summed up perfectly how I felt after the tour.

You can have have a great day when you are expecting to have a terrible one and a terrible one when you are least expecting it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The grief is still constantly there and occasionally bubbles to the surface and the fear is still there too. Even though right now I have one very active twin kicking me in the bladder and the other's foot in my right ribs, until they are here and safe, I won't quite believe it.

We also started sorting out the twins room this weekend and brought 3 baby vests... this is a major achievement for us..

To end on a happy note, Chris and I managed to get out for a rare night out last night to a friend's wedding evening do. It was great to get dressed up and go out even if I couldn't dance and show my funky moves (don't think my consultant would be that impressed if I busted my stitch on the dance floor)! Huge congrats Mr and Mrs Davy!

Hello Third Trimester Of Pregnancy- Pleased To Meet You!

I am now 28+1 day pregnant. I still know that there is a long road ahead, that there are no guarantees in life, and obviously I want them to stay in there for as long as possible. But 28 weeks is when rates of survival for premature babies really increase, and it has always been a major milestone for me.

When I had my stitch put in at just over 23 weeks the consultant said "I don't see this getting to to term but let's aim for 28 weeks" and here I am!

I did think I would feel more relieved than I do. I remember 4 weeks after Oliver and Matthew were born thinking "They'd be 28 weeks now and they'd probably be OK" But rather than relief I think I feel a bit of cautious optimism.. When Oliver and Matthew were born they had about a 30% chance of surviving and their chances of surviving without any major disability was tiny. If the Beansters arrived today then the chances of them surviving would be around the 90% mark and they would have a high chance of being ok in the long run after a lengthy hospital stay.

I also feel like perhaps I could start shopping and nesting...at last!

Talking of my number 1 boys, as I have mentioned before, Matthew and Oliver were cremated so we don't have a headstone or a grave for them. Instead, we have lots of special things to remember them by, either organised by us or our families. Among other things they have a tree at Alnwick Gardens where Chris and I got married and a butterfly in the Great North Museum.

Their Aunty and Uncle sponsored them a tree in a forest in Durham and their Grandparents have planted various things in gardens for them.  At home we have lanterns with their names on and a photo of the beach where we scattered their ashes. However, my work gave us some money to buy something special for our garden for them and we haven't got round to doing this yet. We thought that we might dedicate a tree in the garden on their birthday. I'd been looking all over for a nice sort of sign or plaque for it (one that doesn't look to "memorially")and I have finally found one and it's arrived!

Ready for the garden.

On a final note, at the time of writing the Royal Baby is on it's way. It's all over the news but I just feel nervous as I know that a happy ending isn't guaranteed. I think that's a change you go through when you lose a baby. Now, when I hear of a woman in labour my first thought isn't "Oh isn't it wonderful I wonder if it's a girl or boy?" rather it's "I hope they are all OK!"

Back to the Beansters, tomorrow it is their 28 week growth scan and consultants appointment so we'll see how they are doing.

My Notes Look Like the Complete Works Of Shakespeare and The Midwives Recognise Me!

Firstly- 27 weeks today- Going to have some chocolate to celebrate!

So this time last year I still didn't know that I was pregnant with twins (we found out about Oliver and Matthew on the 20th of July 2012 at our 12 week scan) At this point I was still firmly of the opinion that I was going to our local hospital and having a low risk water birth, with nice music and mood lighting obviously!

What a difference a year makes! This week I have had a scan, spent one night in hospital and several hours back there in the Maternity Assessment Unit!

Our scan on Tuesday was fine, both babies growing well, both well over 2lb- In fact they should now be over 1kg which, if they were born now would make them "very low birth weight babies" as opposed to "extremely low birth weight" babies! Most importantly, they are both about the same size and sharing the amniotic fluid nicely.

On Wednesday I had lots of random cramps and Braxton Hicks. I went to MAU where they checked my stitch and put me on a monitor. They couldn't find anything obviously wrong but decided to keep me in over night for observations due to my history. They were really nice and that explained that if I was a "normal" pregnant woman they would have sent me home but what with the whole history / twins / stitch scenario that they would like to keep an eye on me. Lots of the staff on the ward recognised me from when I got my stitch put in and made me feel at home.

Anyway, everything calmed down, they reckon it was ligament pain and Braxton Hicks probably made worse by dehydration and the boiling weather. I was sent home to following afternoon with instructions to call back if ANYTHING else happened. sure enough Saturday evening was back with lower abdominal pain which turned out to be a UTI- Lovely!

The care we have had has been amazing but I'm now getting to the point that I can spot my own hospital notes in the piles that the hospital staff sort out. They are the really, really thick ones!

When I was in hospital, I was reminded that one of the things that I quite like about maternity care is that it is a brilliant social leveller. Nearly everyone has their baby/ies on the NHS (unless you are Royalty!) and it doesn't matter if you are rich or poor, what religion or race you are, if you are in your teens or your 40's everyone is in it together.

This point can be well illustrated by the ladies who I was on the ward with the past few times I have been in hospital. This week I was in a bed next to the wife of the Imam from the local mosque. I cannot imagine another situation when I would end up talking to an Imam's wife but we had a good chat and I learned lots about what you do in Ramadan when you are pregnant.

Meanwhile, opposite her was a lady who was full on Chav-tastic -Geordie Shore. She was friendly enough but spent most of the time swearing at people loudly on her mobile- and I mean proper swearing! The 4th was a very studious but smiley PHD student who had all her uni books, Mac book etc in with her and spent all day working- clearly she isn't easily distracted by day time telly and trashy magazines like me!

When I was getting my cerclage done, 2 of the girls in my bay were much like myself and the 4th was a really young girl who was lovely but kept having loud domestics with her partner, who was electronically tagged, when he came to visit (was a bit Jeremy Kyle... especially the way he kept rolling up his jeans so everyone could see the tag!)

I love people watching...  as you might be able to tell.

I'm going to finish this post with this picture, which someone else put on Facebook so I can't take full credit for it. It freaks me out and makes me amazed at the same time, pretty much in equal measure.
Also the pedantic part of me wants to point out that line 3 should say "At two points"...

So that must be why I have no space for any food and raging heartburn!

26w+1 Hot Pregnant Lady Alert and Thank you MIL!

Well here I am hanging in there at 26+1.. While I'm under no illusions that I am out of the woods yet ,26 weeks is lots better than 24. Every Sunday when I get a week more pregnant I have been giving myself a little treat. This week we went to Krispy Kreme.... yumm.

Those of you who live in the UK will be aware that it has been unusually hot recently, even here in Newcastle, not renowned for it's Mediterranean temperatures. Whilst it isn't fab weather to be pregnant with twins in (swollen feet and lack of sleep) it is has been good for 2 reasons.

Firstly, one of the main reasons we brought this house was for the garden. For most of the time we have lived here it has looked more like a swamp/swimming pool/ ice rink/.. This weekend we actually had a BBQ accompanied by some of our own home grown salad!

Secondly, Chris' family all come from "Down South", Torbay in Devon to be precise, the land of clotted cream and apparently a tropical micro climate. (They have palm trees didn't you know!) Anyway, whenever any of his family come to visit us the weather up here is horrendous. BUT last week my lovely Mother in Law came up to keep me company and help out with my enforced being lazy and it was actually quite nice out, thus proving that I haven't dragged her only son up here for a lifetime of dampness and vitamin D deficiency.

While we were out in the garden today I got Chris to take a photo of me and my double bump. After we had Oliver and Matthew, I constantly regretted not having many bump photos. In this pregnancy I have obviously promptly forgotten this and still don't have many bump photos. So here is me and the Beansters, in the Geordie sunshine, sweaty and slightly sunburned (me, not them I hope!)...Send positive vibes that they are comfy and want to stay put for at least a few more weeks.

...Send positive vibes that they are comfy and want to stay put for at least a few more weeks.

Tomorrow we have a scan, a midwife appointment and a consultant's appointment so fingers crossed all is peachy and that I'll have good news to share!