Wow, Emily and Sophie, I cant believe that a year has past and that on Wednesday you turned 1! No longer teeny, scrawny babies, you are gorgeous giggly girls, who love to clap, play on the swings, splash in the pool and point out Mummy's nose.
We had a fab day on your birthday, seeing the animals on the farm (especially the big pig!), having lunch with Grandma at the cafe and having a party tea with some of your family in the evening. You also got some great presents including some lovely dollys and some grown up chairs.
On Saturday we are having a picnic in the park with all your friends which means more of your favourites; swings, ducks...and some more cake!
It's been a busy year for Daddy and Me but you have made us laugh and smile so much. Every sleepless night has been worth it (really!!!). You simply are the best little girls that anyone could wish for.
You are still blissfully un-aware of your history, your brothers who came before you and the mark that you made on our world before you were even born but your birthday celebrations have been exactly what they should be. A celebration of the two of you.
Long time no blog. Emily and Sophie will be 8 months old on Saturday. They love food (apart from lentils but hey), splashing in the bath, watching "In the Night Garden", chewing everything in sight and most of all stroking their Dad's stubble (apparently this is hilarious) They have been on their first foreign holiday and start nursery in a months time..eek.
I did say I wasn't going to write unless I had something interesting to say but believe it or not, I think I do!!! So, although I'm not going to post as regularly as I once did I have decided that I'll offer my musings now and again.
Recently, 2 scientific stories have caught my eye;
Firstly, it is almost a year since the "Well your cervix is shortening rapidly, if we do nothing you'll probably have them before 26 weeks" discussion with Dr Smith. At the time the official guidance was that, in a twin pregnancy, stitches and progesterone shouldn't be used as there was no evidence that they worked. I was lucky that I had a consultant who was willing to take a punt and throw every possible treatment at me. I am pretty sure that, had she not, then our girls would not be the kicky, giggly, strawberry loving babies that they are today. Well, recently a new piece of research has proven that stitches do work in twin pregnancies, not as well as in single pregnancies but still pretty effectively. I am hoping that this paves the way for a change of guidlines and means that more twin mummys get the chance to take home healthy, thriving, nearly term babies.
Secondly, this article about blood tests for premature labour was published on the BBC website today.
I had 5 hospital stays in my last pregnancy where I could have been in premature labour but wasn't. That was 5 times I had to be admitted to hospital with all the paper work, swabs and general hassle and resources that go with it not to mention the worry. Perhaps this research means that in the future people won't have that extra layer of worry and that they will know if their random pains are actual labour or just Braxton Hics.
Life with my little ladies is wonderful, hectic, but wonderful but I do still miss my boys. I often wonder what they would be like as 8 month olds. Would they devour a strawberry with gusto? Would they love the ducks in the park and laugh hysterically in the Jumperoo? I feel so sad they never got the chance to experience any of these things.
Grief is a hard thing to describe. I'm pretty sure to most people I meet I look like a happy, if knackered, first time mum out with her babies. I don't think I radiate bereaved mother vibes. Someone posted this brilliant analogy on another website and I thought it hit the nail on the head.
Grief is like a ball in a bucket. To begin with it
fills every space, and there is no room for anything else. But over time
the bucket grows. It becomes a room, than a floor, then a whole house.
The ball never gets any smaller, but your life grows and you have more
space to move around your ball. With time there are days when you may
not see the ball at all. Other days you open a door in your life and it
trips you up. Some days it corners you. But with time you have more
space to move the ball out of the way. Other people believe that the
ball grows smaller and smaller and eventually vanishes. That is not the
case. It will always be the same size.
Well, I'm pleased to report that, thanks to my brilliant family and friends, my bucket is growing and I'm pretty sure that it will continue to!
To finish. I really love this song. It isn't my usual type of music at all but I think the lyrics are fab... just a sweet little song that reminds me of my 4 lovely children!
Well it's New Year's Day and I have decided that this will be my last post on this blog if not forever, then at least for a while. I have thought about it long and hard and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to "jump the shark" as it were!
This weekend marks a year since our boys should have been born, a year since we scattered their ashes on the Northumberland Coast. It is also almost a year since we found out our girls were on their way (albeit not that there were 2 of them). Then the firsts are over. That's it!
I am anticipating other emotional milestones, the girls first birthday, the boys second anniversary etc. but, I think that for now my pregnancy and birth journey as documented in my blog has come to a natural end. I may well blog about something else in the future (I have a few ideas in the pipe line) and I'm going to keep lurking so, if anyone is ever in a similar situation and wants advice, please do contact me. I'll not have disappeared off the face of the Earth although I may well be up to my elbows in nappies!
Before I sign off I want to say a few thank yous. Mainly to my amazing husband, family and friends but in addition, to all of the staff at the RVI in Newcastle who made sure that my girls arrived safe and well. Also, to all my friends at Newcastle SANDS for keeping me sane and to everyone who has read this blog over the past year. Finally a huge thank you to Oliver, Matthew, Emily and Sophie my 4 wonderful children who, in many ways have shaped me in to the person I am now.
As I write this 2 very special sets of twins are about to be born and I wanted to wish their Mums all the luck in the world. So Caludia, whose blog I read a lot in the early days after losing the boys and to Claire from Babycentre... I have everything crossed for you and can't wait to hear your birth announcements.
My girls slept peacefully as Big Ben chimed in the New Year, they had obviously had their minds blown by Chris' "Dad Dancing"! I'm hoping that they will learn a lot in 2014 but mostly that they will contiune to be the contented and very well loved little girls that they are today. There will allways be a nagging feeling that we should be a family of 6 but for now I'm looking forward to a very happy future as a family of 4.
