Extra Special One Off Post

So Emily and Sophie are nearly 2! Happy, Peppa Pig obsessed toddlers who keep all of their family entertained with their antics. They have had a few issues with being late to walk and were diagnosed with joint hypermobility but with special shoes and physio they are catching up and keeping mummy on her toes!

 I'm posting because I know that this blog still gets some hits and I'm guessing if you are reading it then premature birth is an issue close to your heart.

This year I am doing the Great North Run. It is the week before the girl's birthday and a month before the boys should have turned 3 so the timing is brilliant. Now those of you who know me will know that I am not a natural runner. Dancing, swimming?.Fine. Running? Not so much! However I have been training hard and am determined to finish in a not too ridiculous time. I am up to 7 miles in my training runs and, although my knees are complaining, I'm getting there.

I'll be running for Tommy's who fund research in to miscarriage and premature birth. They are a fantastic charity whose work should help more families like ours take their little ones home with them.

Anyway, if you feel like sponsoring me here is the link to my fundraising page.

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/katebroomhall

I'll post again when I've done it. Bearing in mind I have to recover in time for a 2nd birthday party and an invasion of toddlers 6 days later I hope it goes well!

Occasional Post no. 2 -Happy Birthday Emily and Sophie! How time flies.

To Our Girls, the week they turned 1.

Wow, Emily and Sophie, I cant believe that a year has past and that on Wednesday you turned 1! No longer teeny, scrawny babies, you are gorgeous giggly girls, who love to clap, play on the swings, splash in the pool and point out Mummy's nose.

We had a fab day on your birthday, seeing the animals on the farm (especially the big pig!), having lunch with Grandma at the cafe and having a party tea with some of your family in the evening. You also got some great presents including some lovely dollys and some grown up chairs.

On Saturday we are having a picnic in the park with all your friends which means more of your favourites; swings, ducks...and some more cake!

It's been a busy year for Daddy and Me but you have made us laugh and smile so much. Every sleepless night has been worth it (really!!!). You simply are the best little girls that anyone could wish for.

You are still blissfully un-aware of your history, your brothers who came before you and the mark that you made on our world before you were even born but your birthday celebrations have been exactly what they should be. A celebration of the two of you.

Mummy's GBBO tribute!

Occasional Post Number 1- 8 Months Old (nearly!) and The Power of Science!

Long time no blog. Emily and Sophie will be 8 months old on Saturday. They love food (apart from lentils but hey), splashing in the bath, watching "In the Night Garden", chewing everything in sight and most of all stroking their Dad's stubble (apparently this is hilarious) They have been on their first foreign holiday and start nursery in a months time..eek.

I did say I wasn't going to write unless I had something interesting to say but believe it or not, I think I do!!! So, although I'm not going to post as regularly as I once did I have decided that I'll offer my musings now and again.

Recently, 2 scientific stories have caught my eye;

 Firstly, it is almost a year since the "Well your cervix is shortening rapidly, if we do nothing you'll probably have them before 26 weeks" discussion with Dr Smith. At the time the official guidance was that, in a twin pregnancy, stitches and progesterone shouldn't be used as there was no evidence that they worked. I was lucky that I had a consultant who was willing to take a punt and throw every possible treatment at me. I am pretty sure that, had she not, then our  girls would not be the kicky, giggly, strawberry loving babies that they are today.  Well, recently a new piece of research has proven that stitches do work in twin pregnancies, not as well as in single pregnancies but still pretty effectively. I am hoping that this paves the way for a change of guidlines and means that more twin mummys get the chance to take home healthy, thriving, nearly term babies.

Secondly, this article about blood tests for premature labour was published on the BBC website today.

 I had 5 hospital stays in my last pregnancy where I could have been in premature labour but wasn't. That was 5 times I had to be admitted to hospital with all the paper work, swabs and general hassle and resources that go with it not to mention the worry. Perhaps this research means that in the future people won't have that extra layer of worry and that they will know if their random pains are actual labour or just Braxton Hics.

Life with my little ladies is wonderful, hectic, but wonderful but I do still miss my boys. I often wonder what they would be like as 8 month olds. Would they devour a strawberry with gusto? Would they love the ducks in the park and laugh hysterically in the Jumperoo? I feel so sad they never got the chance to experience any of these things.

Grief is a hard thing to describe. I'm pretty sure to most people I meet I look like a happy, if knackered, first time mum out with her babies. I don't think I radiate bereaved mother vibes. Someone posted this brilliant analogy on another website and I thought it hit the nail on the head.

Grief is like a ball in a bucket. To begin with it fills every space, and there is no room for anything else. But over time the bucket grows. It becomes a room, than a floor, then a whole house. The ball never gets any smaller, but your life grows and you have more space to move around your ball. With time there are days when you may not see the ball at all. Other days you open a door in your life and it trips you up. Some days it corners you. But with time you have more space to move the ball out of the way. Other people believe that the ball grows smaller and smaller and eventually vanishes. That is not the case. It will always be the same size.

Well, I'm pleased to report that, thanks to my brilliant family and friends, my bucket is growing and I'm pretty sure that it will continue to!


To finish. I really love this song. It isn't my usual type of music at all but I think the lyrics are fab... just a sweet little song that reminds me of my 4 lovely children!

Hello 2014- Goodbye Blog!

Well it's New Year's Day and I have decided that this will be my last post on this blog if not forever, then at least for a while. I have thought about it long and hard and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to "jump the shark" as it were!

This weekend marks a year since our boys should have been born, a year since we scattered their ashes on the Northumberland Coast. It is also almost a year since we found out our girls were on their way (albeit not that there were 2 of them). Then the firsts are over. That's it!

I am anticipating other emotional milestones, the girls first birthday, the boys second anniversary etc. but, I think that for now my pregnancy and birth journey as documented in my blog has come to a natural end. I may well blog about something else in the future (I have a few ideas in the pipe line) and I'm going to keep lurking so, if anyone is ever in a similar situation and wants advice, please do contact me. I'll not have disappeared off the face of the Earth although I may well be up to my elbows in nappies!

Before I sign off I want to say a few thank yous. Mainly to my amazing husband, family and friends but in addition, to all of the staff at the RVI in Newcastle who made sure that my girls arrived safe and well. Also, to all my friends at Newcastle SANDS for keeping me sane and to everyone who has read this blog over the past year. Finally a huge thank you to Oliver, Matthew, Emily and Sophie my 4 wonderful children who, in many ways have shaped me in to the person I am now.

As I write this 2 very special sets of twins are about to be born and I wanted to wish their Mums all the luck in the world. So Caludia, whose blog I read a lot in the early days after losing the boys and to Claire from Babycentre... I have everything crossed for you and can't wait to hear your birth announcements. 

My girls slept peacefully as Big Ben chimed in the New Year, they had obviously had their minds blown by Chris' "Dad Dancing"! I'm hoping that they will learn a lot in 2014 but mostly that they will contiune to be the contented and very well loved little girls that they are today. There will allways be a nagging feeling that we should be a family of 6 but for now I'm looking forward to a very happy future as a family of 4.

Happy New Year Everyone.

15 Weeks- Farewell 2013!

So Sophie and Emily have had am amazing first Christmas. They have been doted on by their extended family, joined in the singing at their first carol service, met a handsome rainbow baby called Benjamin and are just starting to laugh!

Emily and Sophie's Christmas Bears!

Today is the last day of 2013 and I can honestly say it has been the happiest but most stressful year of my life. At the start of January last year we scattered Matthew and Oliver's ashes at the beach on what would have been their birthday and I just can't believe how far we have come.

I would quite like 2014 to be a quieter year. We allready have some plans, our first family holiday and Sophie and Emily's Great-Grandad's Wedding (not many little girls get to go to one of those!) among other things. But, on the whole I feel that some quality family down time would be fab!

I'll allways carry the memories of my gorgeous boys with me and in a way the passing of another year makes them feel further away. However, I'm  feeling quite positive about 2014.. bring it on!

12 Weeks Old- Feeling a Little Bit Festive!

So our girls are now 12 weeks old, they weigh almost 9lb and are going to their first Christmas parties this week! They are happy, smiley babies most of the time who love going to baby massage and seeing their friends at twin's club. They also enjoy looking at their mother like she's a loon at buggy fit! On top of all this excitement, this weekend they went on their first little holiday to the very rainy Lake District.

We have also made hilarious Christmas cards with photos of them in fancy dress on the front. I've allways had a policy of not putting actual, proper pictures of the girls on my blog so you'll just have to believe me when I say how brilliant they are!

Last Christmas I was not in a festive mood in any way shape or form. I just wanted the whole holiday season not to happen but this year I am looking forward to celebrating it as our little family. We have brought Emily and Sophie's gifts, made their stockings and, although I know they won't remember it, I am really looking forward to opening their presents with them on Christmas morning.

Sophie and Emily's Stockings!

However, This should be Oliver and Matthew's first Christmas too. They were due to be born in January 2013, so this Christmas we will hang their special baubles on our tree to remember them.

Oliver and Matthew's Baubles on our tree last year.

A few weeks ago we went to the RVI baby memorial service which is held at the start of December every year. It was very moving and sadly very full. Dr Smith, the consultant who stitched Emily and Sophie in, read a reading from Winnie the Pooh which chokes me up every time I hear it as it is so true.

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together... there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart... I'll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne

So on Christmas Day this year, I'll be thinking of all 4 of my amazing children!

2 Months Old- Happy World Prematurity Day

Today Emily and Sophie are 2 months old. They have had a lovely day meeting their Great Grandad for the first time and already have more Christmas party invites than their Mummy!

Rather aptly (seeing as it is their 2 month birthday but it should only be their 1st), today is also World Prematurity Day. Today is a day for raising awareness of premature birth and promoting research and treatment especially in the developing world.

Now as a mother to 4 premature babies this is really important to me. Oliver and Matthew were born at 24 weeks and 3 days gestation, right at the limits of viability. 4 days earlier they could have been legally aborted and 4 days earlier the doctors wouldn't have had to intervene when they were born. However, Oliver and Matthew did have a chance of survival. They were lucky enough to be born in a hospital in the developed world and taken straight to a state of the art neonatal unit where everyone did their best to save them. There are many parts of the world where they simply wouldn't have been given the chance.

Emily and Sophie are at the other end of the spectrum for premature babies. Prematurity is defined as birth before 37 weeks gestation and they were born at 36 weeks and 2 days. They didn't need SCBU but they did need a helping hand to start feeding and to keep warm. They also had the benefit of antenatal cortesoids to help their lungs develop before they were even born. Again, if we lived elsewhere, whilst I'm sure they would have been OK, they may well not be the healthy little girls they are now.

Also, there are so many things that could have happened with the girls. At 23 weeks, when I had my stitch put in, I was told that if I didn't have the procedure, we had a 50 percent chance of them arriving before 25 weeks. There is no doubt in my mind that Emily and Sophie have had the start in life that they have due to fabulous medical care and scientific research, something that not all babies have the benefits of.

Through both my pregnancies I have met many other mums of premmies with babies who were born at anything from 25 weeks to 35 weeks gestation. Most of them have their babies home with them, but I'm pretty sure that every single one of them would tell you that their journey hasn't been easy and many of their children will have health issues related to their prematurity for years to come.

So today let us spare a second to think of all the little ones who are born too soon. Both those who sadly don't make it and the little fighters who do!

8 Weeks Old- All The Things We Never Did

My girls have had another exciting week of firsts. They have started wearing proper clothes and met lots of other twins at twins club (great, but slightly surreal experience felt like I had some sort of visual problem!)
They have also been to the seaside for the first time, which unfortunately for them given their Devonian heritage, happened to be chilly Tynemouth in November! However, they went for lunch in a very trendy bistro to warm up.


I love doing things with Emily and Sophie, we are starting baby massage on Wednesday and we try and do a family day out every week. However, on occasion, it is tinged with the sadness of "what ifs"

I would have loved to have taken my boys to see the sea, Matthew never even went outside.

I would have loved to take them out to meet other babies, show them off and dress them in funky clothes.

We would have all had a great time together and It is just such a shame that we never got to.

Brrrr Tynemouth Beach!

6 Weeks Old- The Ripple Effect

Emily and Sophie are almost 7 weeks old, weigh about 7lb, have grown out of their first set of clothes and are just starting to smile! They are fantastic and are real little miracles.

Funky Bootees- Thanks Swain-Cruz Family and lovely cuddly blanket knitted by Great Granny.

Today I wanted to post about something that had never really occurred to me before. We had a fabulous Sunday lunch today with both my family and Chris' (who are up visiting). Sophie and Emily were surrounded by 2 sets of grandparents, a great granny, great aunt, 2 uncles, an aunty and "Big Cousin Aidan" We had a lovely time (especially now that I can have "pink" roast beef and a glass of wine!) and it got me thinking about something a friend mentioned a few weeks previously.

I met my friend and her identical twin boys for coffee the other week (if you get lots of attention going out with one set of identical twins imagine going out with 2!) She was also a semi permenant resident of Ward 34 and ended up having her boys a little early. We talked a lot about how our little ones were doing but then the talk turned to our respective traumatic pregnancies.

One of the things that we had both realised after our babies arrived safe and well was how people had been worried about us! It had never occurred to me (or her..and her condition was a lot more dangerous than mine) that anything would happen to us, it was all about the babies! I wasn't put off at all by the scary consent forms I had to sign and by the end of my pregnancy with Emily and Sophie I had had so much intervention (injections, internals, scans, drugs, examinations etc, etc that I would have let the hospital staff do absolutely anything to me to make sure that they arrived safely. When I got home I asked Chris if he had worried about me- the answer was "Of Course" but this had genuinly never crossed my mind!

All 4 of mine and Chris' children have been fortunate enough to have a very supportive extended family so here is a HUGE thank you from us for their support in helping us bring Emily and Sophie in to the world and a big sorry for all the worry.. hope we haven't created too many grey hairs!!!

15th October- Wave of Light 2013

On International Baby Loss Awareness day, bereaved parents all over the world are encouraged to light candles to remember their little ones and others gone to soon.

Every day, in the UK alone, 17 babies are still born or die in the first 28 days of life. That means since we lost Oliver and Matthew, over 6000 other families have been through a similar pain.

Tonight candles will be burning brightly between 7-8pm (local time zones) all across the world. I'll be joining in and lighting candles, not only to remember my boys but also to remember all the other babies lost through still birth and neonatal death.

Remembering Matthew and Oliver and others whose parents miss them tons. Especially;

George & Grace , Thomas & Jessica, Ella and all the Newcastle Sands babies, Sam, May & Marianne, Chloe and Vinnie whose Mum's are all good friends of mine. Also, Harriet & Felicity and all the TAMBA BSG babies, all the Babycentre PAIL babies and not forgetting a final mention to a fellow bloggers little boys Gabriele, Santino, Benedetto and Vincenzo.

And all of the other little stars who never got the chance to show how brightly they could shine!

14th October- A Whole Year

For our boys, who on this day last year, left this world as they came in to it. Together.

Us Two

(A poem we had read out at Matthew and Oliver's cremation and will no doubt read to their sisters when they are bigger.)

Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
Whatever I do, he wants to do,
"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:
"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.
Let's go together," says Pooh, says he.
"Let's go together," says Pooh.

"What's twice eleven?" I said to Pooh.
("Twice what?" said Pooh to Me.)
"I think it ought to be twenty-two."
"Just what I think myself," said Pooh.
"It wasn't an easy sum to do,
But that's what it is," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what it is," said Pooh.

"Let's look for dragons," I said to Pooh.
"Yes, let's," said Pooh to Me.
We crossed the river and found a few-
"Yes, those are dragons all right," said Pooh.
"As soon as I saw their beaks I knew.
That's what they are," said Pooh, said he.
"That's what they are," said Pooh.

"Let's frighten the dragons," I said to Pooh.
"That's right," said Pooh to Me.
"I'm not afraid," I said to Pooh,
And I held his paw and I shouted "Shoo!
Silly old dragons!"- and off they flew.

"I wasn't afraid," said Pooh, said he,
"I'm never afraid with you."

So wherever I am, there's always Pooh,
There's always Pooh and Me.
"What would I do?" I said to Pooh,
"If it wasn't for you," and Pooh said: "True,
It isn't much fun for One, but Two,
Can stick together, says Pooh, says he. "That's how it is," says Pooh.

A.A Milne

Oliver Thomas Broomhall and Matthew Daniel Broomhall

8th October 2012-14th October 2012

13th October- Sophie and Emily's "Nearly Birthday"!

Today is my origional due date for Beanie 1 and Beanie 2, AKA Emily and Sophie. In reality though, it is fair to say that I never expected them to arrive anywhere near this date, especially after we found out that there was 2 of them! It is though, the date I had to reel off to health professionals throughout my pregnancy whilst thinking "yeah right, if they come any time after the end of July then that will be a start!"

It is also going to be an other emotional few days. Monday marks a year since Matthew and Oliver died and Tuesday is the very well timed International Baby Loss Awareness day.

I just thought to mark our girls' "Nearly Birthday, that I'd write a short post (before they wake up and want feeding) about a few things that I have noticed since they were born.

Firstly, people are always telling me how tiny they are... Now, Emily and Sophie are a bit petite, currently around the 6lb mark. However, when they were born at 36w, their weight was bang on the 50th percentile and slightly higher than the average weight for twins. Because my boys were so tiny. I think of the girls as being, if not huge, at least normal baby size. Here, to illustrate this point are a hat and nappy belonging to Emily and a hat and nappy belonging to Oliver (both twin 1 just to make it fair!)

It is worth mentioning that this nappy was MASSIVE on Oliver's little bottom!

 

 

Secondly, as we have managed to get out and about with the girls, it has become apparent how much attention twins get. A bit of me feels thrilled, what mother doesn't want tons of random strangers telling her how wonderful her babies are? However another bit of me feels really sad. Matthew and Oliver never got all that attention, they totally missed out on it and they were wonderful too!

On a similar theme someone in a shop said an absolute cracker to me the other day;

"Are they twins?"

Er no.. I just wandered around with a double pram until I found a baby that looked identical to my own and popped them in!!!

To finish on a happy note, On Tuesday we took our little ladies to twins clinic to drop off some cake and thank the staff who looked after all of us throughout my traumatic pregnancy. I was totally taken a back by ho many people from the sonographers and health care assistants to the midwives and consultants, who came over to tell us how happy they were for us all. I was really touched and felt honored to have had such a fab team supporting me and my family. People knock the NHS but I have no complaints at all about our care from the RVI... except possibly the slightly questionable food!!!

8th October- Happy Birthday Oliver and Matthew.

A message to our boys on their first birthday..

Dear Matthew and Oliver,

Today you would have turned 1. If you were here, I'm sure that we would have had a really fun day with all your family. I would have made you each a cake (as soon as we found out that there were 2 of you we had decided that you shouldn't have to share a birthday cake!) We would have also had a little party and you would have had loads of pressies. I often wonder what you would be like now, what we would have brought you for your birthday, what you would be doing and little things like what colour your eyes would be.

But you aren't here, because you will always be 6 days old. However, that doesn't mean that we can't still have a special day for you. Me, Daddy and your Sisters are going to go in to town and see your special butterfly on the wall at the museum. After that we are going to plant a lovely tree we have brought for the garden. It is a Japanese Maple and the leaves go bright red every autumn. This means that it will look fabulous on your birthday every year. It also has a colourful sign so that everyone can see that it is in memory of two special boys.

We have also got a little present for your sisters. It is a book all about you so that they can grow up knowing all about their big brothers. They are a bit too small to understand it at the moment but I'm sure that they will love it when they are a bit bigger.



Me and your Dad still miss you both terribly and Emily and Sophie, your little sisters would have loved to have met you. But we will try and make your birthday as happy as we can, a wonderful celebration of the two of you!

News Flash: Welcome To The World Emily and Sophie!

Our beautiful daughters Emily India and Sophie Marie arrived last Tuesday (17th) at 36w+2 weighing 5lb9 oz and 5lb10 oz! My section was booked for Thursday the 19th, as they were MCDA they had to be delivered between 36 and 37 weeks, but I went in to very slow labour over the weekend (contractions every 6 mins Fri-Mon with very little progression ...lovely!). So, when a space became available on the elective section list 2 days early, they slotted me in then.

Both girls were born screaming, needed no help breathing and just needed to be on a heat pad for a few hours after they were born. They didn't need to go to SCBU, but we stayed on Ward 33 at the RVI which is a transition ward, for 5 days as they need a bit of encouragement feeding. Other than that they are petite but fine and we came home yesterday.

I am so happy and relieved that they are here but at the same time wish their brothers were too... bit of an emotional roller coaster really. It was very surreal leaving hospital yesterday as it is just under a year ago that we did the same drive under very different circumstances.

Updates to follow ... I currently have 2 babies mouthing at me!

Teeny tiny feet!

35+1 Shameless Great North Run Plug!

Well the stitch is out (not quite the quick pain free snip that it had been sold to me as but never mind!) and I'm off the experimental premature labour drugs. Now it's basically a case of just sitting around, eating dairy milk, drinking tea and waiting for them to appear!

Just a reminder, either Chris or Ben, my little brother, are doing the Great North Run in aid of Tiny Lives at the RVI. They provide services to premature babies and their families and it was them who looked after us after we lost Oliver and Matthew. Also, they may well end up being involved in the twins care when they make an appearance. In addition, Chris/Ben are raising money for The Bobby Moor Fund-Cancer Research UK which is another cause close to our hearts. Chris has a number but the run is on September the 15th so Ben will do it if I'm in labour or if the twins haven't appeared. I have visions of being at home watching it on TV and my water's breaking while he is in South Shields watching the Red Arrows fly past!

You can sponsor them here!
https://www.justgiving.com/teams/chrisorben

Also, James, who is the elder of my 2 younger brothers, is very kindly doing the Great North Run to raise money both for both Tiny Lives at the RVI and for the Leeds Mother and Baby unit who looked after My Sister in Law, Nephew and of course my Brother last year. Both are great causes so I've put the link below:
 http://www.justgiving.com/teams/Jhunt

Obviously, my brothers and Chris will be crossing the ling right behind Mo Farah!

34+3- Getting "Unpicked" Tomorrow!- Updated

So tomorrow is the big stitch out day. Never thought I'd be writing that! I'm reporting to the hospital in the morning and after that we'll see what happens. The hospital doctors seem to vary greatly on what they think will happen, from thinking that I'll go in to labour more or less straight away to saying that they think I'll make my section date. I reckon that this is because having a stitch with twins is quite rare in itself and often people who do have one go in to labour before removal and have it taken out then... Think it is all a bit "off piste!"

Yesterday we had our last routine twins clinic appointment. The twins are measuring a whopping 5lb10oz and wait for it ..6lb3oz!!! I think that these sound to me like "proper" baby weights and also means that they have probably outgrown the first set of clothes that I got for their hospital bags. So that was today's job, going to Mothercare to buy "Tiny Baby" instead of "Early Baby" clothes.

The fact that they are now each roughly 3 times the weight of their big brothers makes me thankful that I have opted for an elective section rather than an induction if I get to 36 weeks. The way they are going, they will be 7lb+ by then and I don't think anyone ever fancies pushing out 14lb of baby!

Just to finish off, James, who is the elder of my 2 younger brothers, is very kindly doing the Great North Run to raise money both for Tiny Lives at the RVI (who looked after us after we lost Oliver and Matthew and may well end up being involved in the twins care when they make an appearence) and for the Leeds Mother and Baby unit who looked after My Sister in Law, Nephew and of course my Brother last year. Both are great causes so I've put the link below:
 http://www.justgiving.com/teams/Jhunt

Also,either Chris or Ben, my little brother, are doing the GNR for Tiny Lives and Cancer Research UK. Chris has a number but the run is on September the 15th so Ben will do it if I'm in labour or if the twins haven't appeared. I have visions of being at home watching it on TV and my water's breaking while he is in South Shields watching the Red Arrows fly past!

Me and the younger but taller brothers!

https://www.justgiving.com/teams/chrisorben

Keeping everything crossed for tomorrow!

33w+3.. Count Down To Stitch Removal... Trying To Keep Busy!

Another week ticked off here I am at 33w+3, bored and quite fidgety! The problem is that when I get bored I tend to also get thoughtful.. and not necessarily in a good way!

When my mind is quiet that's when thoughts of all the million and one things that can still go wrong appear and when the tears for Oliver and Matthew tend to come! I also do daft things when I'm bored like watching last weeks episode of BBC 3's "The Midwives", which included a pregnancy after a loss, bereavement services and a twin C-section which went a bit wrong at the end. It was all a bit close to home. My mother in law had warned me.. should have listened (sorry Viv!)

So, I have been trying really hard to keep myself occupied, which is extra tricky when you have a stitch in and ar'nt supposed to be doing much. My normal hobbies of swimming (infection risk in the stitch), playing the Saxophone (no lung capacity and feet in my diaphragm) and walking (more like waddling) are pretty much out. In the past week I have achieved the following:

• Finished and hung up the blooming nursery curtains!
• Beaten Chris at University Challenge (his excuse was that I had 3 brains.. this didn't wash with me!)
• Fixed the curtain tie backs in the lounge.
• Made beetroot and apple chutney with the beetroot from our garden.
• Washed and put away a load of baby clothes.
• Made a photo book of our holiday to India and one for the twins about their big brothers.
• Watched most of season 3 of "Breaking Bad".
• Been out for coffee (dropped off and picked up from the door!)

 .....and gossiped with my friends in reall life and on Skype.

I'm now approaching the point where I just want them to be here! another week or so would be fab and I know that they are still better growing inside me for a little bit longer, but I want them out here so I can finally meet them and keep them safe.

I also went and saw my community midwife today. The normal one is in holiday but this one was lovely too. Anyway I measure 40w, heart beats and everything were fine and she thinks that the babies have swapped over to which one is the presenting twin! Anyway they are both head down and one is already engaged. We shall hopefully see what the scan says on Tuesday.

I'm not usually in to inspirational photos and quotes etc but I saw this on Facebook and it kind of sums up how I feel at the moment about Oliver and Matthew. It is great that I have got far enough in this pregnancy to stop worrying about the very premature element and I do feel a sort of cautious excitement. However no matter how wonderful it will be to have their little brothers or sisters here, I'll never forget my number 1 boys.

32w+2 (yup you read that right!)- Reasons To Be Cheerful.

Well after 28 weeks my next target was 32 weeks and here we all are, me, 2 very kicky twins and Chris. We had a scan today and the babies are still looking quite chunky at 4lb 13oz and 4lb 6oz. They are both now poised head down which I'm hoping will make for a quick and easy exit, but not so quick that it happens in the middle of the Tyne Bridge! We also got 2 important dates today, one for the removal of the cervical stitch, which may start labour, and a second for an elective Caesarian section when I am term for identical twins, which I don't see happening but I guess is always a possibility! I'm going to maintain the element of surprise and keep quiet on the exact dates but hopefully our twins will have arrived safe and well within the next month! I am still very nervous and I won't relax until they are here in our arms but the end feels like it's in sight at least.

It was really lovely that in clinic today so many staff took time out to say how pleased they were that we had got this far. It really made me feel well looked after. The sonographer said that I felt like she had been scanning me for ages! I replied that I feel that I have been pregnant for ages! I worked out that of the past 17 months, I have been pregnant for about 13 of them! Pub quiz fact: That is approximately the same amount of time that a camel is pregnant for,but not quite as long as a giraffe!

I have been so impressed by all the care we have received both in this pregnancy and when Matthew and Oliver were born. In my last post I talked about bad luck. In this post I wanted to turn the tables a little and talk a bit about other things that I am extreemly grateful for:

I am so happy that we got to spend almost a week with Oliver and Matthew. I have friends whose babies were still born and I am so glad that we got even a tiny bit of time to get to know our sons.

I'm really glad that all four of Matthew and Oliver's grandparents got to meet them in their short lives.

I am so grateful that I have a wonderful family and fabulous friends who have been really supportive of me and Chris all along the whole journey..... and I'm so lucky to have a wonderful  husband who has looked after me tons this pregnancy (cooks me lovely food, drinks low alcohol beer so he can drive me to the hospital at any given point, gives words of encouragement to the bump etc, etc,) even though it's been tough for him too.

Team Broomhall in our finery!

I have met some really inspirational people through what has happened in the past year and although sometimes it feels like we are all members of "The club that no one wants to join" I have made some great friendships with other bereaved mums and become closer to others that I already knew.

I am relieved that I am lucky enough to live in a country with health care which is high quality and free. I spent some time years ago working in a school in Kenya which had a maternity clinic attached to it. I know that if my boys had been born out there then they wouldn't have had any hope of survival. I also know that in many places in the world I wouldn't be having the fortnightly scans and appointments that I have now and that I wouldn't be able to drive 15mins to the hospital to get checked out whenever I needed to. I dread to think the bills we would be racking up if we lived on the other side of the Atlantic

Me and some smiley happy faces when I was teaching in Kenya.

I'm really relieved that we didn't have to battle for years to get pregnant in the first place. To do that and then to lose a child or children, like several of my friends have, must be even more extra hard and difficult!
....And I'm sure that there is much more.

For those of you who are wondering. I have summoned up the courage to get the half made curtains that I started making on October the 7th last year out of the box but I haven't plucked up the courage to finish them yet.. still it's a start!

31+1- How Bad Luck Doesn't Discriminate.

Here we are. 6 more days to go to my next big target that the Prematurity Consultant gave me. Have had stern words with these babies!

Today I'm going to write about something that I have noticed during my NICU experience with Oliver and Matthew, and also during this pregnancy.

Infant loss and stillbirth DO NOT discriminate... neither does high risk pregnancy.

I mean, there are things that you could do that wouldn't do you and your babies and favours. Perhaps if you downed a bottle of vodka for breakfast before smoking 40 a day and finishing off with a few lines of cocaine then things might not go according to plan. But, by and large, if you go in to a neonatal unit, or to a group for bereaved parents you would find people from all ages, classes and walks of live.

It annoys me greatly when people, generally well meaning, say things like. "Oh but your feeling much healthier this time round right?" The answer is "not really"  If anything I feel much less healthy this time round with all the resting and not being able to do much! 

Oliver and Matthew were born following a straightforward twin pregnancy. I'd been really good with what I was eating, I had had 3 glasses of wine the whole time and that was largely because I turned 30 in September! I had been to pregnancy yoga, gone swimming every week, never missed a medical appointment and had been really trying to take it a bit easier too (which as a person I find really hard). But they still came 15 1/2 weeks early. And even though we now think we know the reason why, I have no risk factors (apart from the twins thing) for having cervical incompetency. It was just one of those things, a horrendous thing to happen, but genuinely just terrible bad luck.

To illustrate my point that these things can, and do happen to anyone, I'm going to point you in the direction of a few interesting bits of writing on the web. Last night Chris and I were talking about names again as we still aren't 100% sure. At this point I remembered that Alex James, bassist and cheese maker, had twins with brilliant names, (Artemas and Galileo for the record but don't worry guys, those names arn't on the list). I am a huge fan of Blur and have been since I was in my teens, and even went to Paris to see them when I couldn't get tickets in the UK. Infact Oliver and Matthew went to a Blur gig in utero.. although I'm not sure how much they appreciated it.

Me, Matthew and Oliver at London Live, I'm pretty sure that 16 week old foetuses enjoy '90's indie music!

Anyway, Alex James' twins were born very prematurely, out of the blue, and he wrote this article about it for the Independent. I really like it and think it is very true to life and moving. I paticulaly like the quote from the Dr:

 "Don't be ridiculous, you don't want twins. It's complicated. It's risky. Have them one at a time."

The other piece that I wanted to share with you all, you might have already seen because it became a bit of a Facebook hit last year. 

I'm sure lots of you will remember the sad stillbirth of Gary Barlow (Take That) and his wife Dawn's daughter Poppy just over a year ago. It was during the Olympics and there was much debate on social media over whether he would perform at the closing ceremony or not (which somewhat ironically coincided exactly with the Blur London live gig that I was at). 

At the time, even though it was before we lost Oliver and Matthew, I remember thinking that people should just leave them be. I now realise how hard it would have been to be in his position. Crikey, if after we lost our boys, every random tabloid reporter and the population of social media websites was giving their half baked opinions on when I should go back to work I would have been in bits! To be honest, I think when you are that famous you are pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don't.

The comedian Jason Manford wrote about this on his blog- It is quite long but it's worth reading to the end. 

Some food for thought there....

Speaking of food I better get off for some lunch, I'm eating for 3 remember!

30w+5. Shop. But definately not until you drop!

Well here we are 30w+5. At our growth scan on Tuesday twins were about 3lb13oz each so I'm guessing with the amount of Ben and Jerry's that I have been eating they will be 4lb pretty soon! They will also be here at sometime within the next 5.5 weeks which is exciting but also scary. The stitch, which I'm pretty sure is what is holding them in,comes out in about 3.5w and I'm fairly sure that that will set things going if they haven't arrived already.

They are already causing trouble. Every time I end up in hospital in a premature labour scare (which is often) I get hooked up to a ctg monitor to monitor the babies' heart rates and check for contractions. The twins DO NOT like this one bit. The second the midwife gets both heart beats and leaves the cubicle so we can get half an hour trace, they move, the machine gets 2 heart beats that are the same and an alarm goes off or it measures none because they have kicked the sensors and knocked their position. From all the cubicles around you can hear the reassuring regular wooshing of babies heart beats...from ours you can hear what sounds like a cross between a washing machine and a radio being tuned as they cause havoc!

Me and my very uncoperative twins on the CTG monitor.

Apart from having premature labour scares, the other thing that we have been doing recently is preparing for the Little Brooomhalls' arrival. This has been much harder than I thought. Like most pregnant women, I want to choose lovely things for my babies. However, unlike lots of other pregnant women, at the moment that comes with fear and guilt attatched to it.

We have now brought most of the nursery furniture but it is all still boxed up.. I'm not superstitious but a bit of me dare not unpack it and I definitely haven't started on the blooming curtains. We packed the babies' hospital bag the other day and a bit of me felt so guilty that we hadn't got lovely new clothes for Oliver and Matthew. Obviously, this was because of their unexpectedly early arrival but It still made me feel like a bad mother, that I'd brought lots of nice things for one set of babies but not the other.

The one thing we, well Chris, has done is put up the light in the nursery. It is immensely funky....

In a way it seems appropriate that light is the first thing in the room!